* * * * * The following--supposed to be--attempt at wit appeared in the "Massachusetts Centinel" in 1789. _ADVERTISEMENTS EXTRA._ IMPORTED in the last vessels from Europe, A treatise on ogling, simpering, flirting, gigling, painting, patching, perfuming, &c. very useful to every _Lady_--and much in demand. Also, The Art of burning dimples in ladies' cheeks and chins--of repairing female tongues that wear with using--of setting eyes _fashionably_ in their sockets--of giving the face a _beautiful pale_, deathlike aspect--and of acquiring the elegant hysterick and other fits. _TO BE SOLD_--Many elegant and beautiful copies of a most scarce and valuable work, called "_The Virtue of the Times_." Inquire any where. _LOST_--Through carelessness, _thirty good years of life_--of a gentleman--ALSO, _forty-two years of a lady_--the latter, from a desire to appear _beautifully_ slim. Whoever can inform the losers how they can be redeemed, shall be handsomely rewarded. _EXTRA--BUT SERIOUS._ WANTED--much _wanted_--several _small sums of money_--say, from 4/6. to Ten Dollars--for which _obligations_, which have frequently been _offered_, will be _given_. Inquire of the _Printer_. * * * * * A Boston paper of 1789 prints the following unique production, copied from a late London paper. It was probably designed as a "take-off" to some of the humbugs of the day. THOMAS TOUCHWOOD, GENT., Proposes, on the last day of the present month, to shoot himself by subscription. His life being of no farther use to himself or his friends, he takes this method of endeavouring to turn his death to some account; and the novelty of the performance, he hopes, will merit the attention and patronage of the publick. He will perform with two pistols, the first shot to be directed through his _abdomen_, to which will be added another through his brain, the whole to conclude with staggering convulsions, grinning, &c., in a manner never before publickly attempted. The doors to be opened at eight, and the exhibition to begin precisely at nine. Particular places, for that night only, reserved for the ladies. No money to be returned, nor half price taken. _Vivant Rex et Regina._ _N.B._ Beware of counterfeits and impostors.--The person who advertises to hang himself the same night, in opposition to Mr. Touchwood, is a taylor, who intends only to give the representation of death by dancing in a collar, an attempt infinitely inferior to Mr. T.'s original and authentic performance. * * * * *