The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
History
The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Fiction
On quitting this admirable exhibition, my boy, I did not return to this
city, but went immediately down to Accomac, to attend the great Union
meeting. Accomac, my boy, has at length determined that this war shall
be vigorously carried on, even if it takes several public speakers to
say so; and the conduct of Accomac, in calling a meeting for such a
purpose, reminds me of a chap in the Sixth Ward.
He was a respectable family chap, who had formed a partnership with all
his neighbors for the express purpose of taking entire and exclusive
charge of their business for them, and evinced such a deep interest in
the most private affairs of his friends, that absence did not conquer
their love for him. One Sunday there was a city missionary at the
church he attended, who implored the aid and prayers of the
congregation in behalf of a poor but pious family, who were starving to
death around the corner. "Hev any tracts been left with our suffering
frens?" says the respectable chap, rising in his pew and pinching his
benevolent chin thoughtfully. "Yes," says the missionary, sadly, "we
sent them some tracts on the immortality of the soul; but, horrible to
relate, they gained no flesh by them." The respectable chap, who was a
baker by profession, was much moved by this revelation of human
depravity, and says he to a bald-headed chap in the next pew: "Brother
Jones, you must attend to this sad case in the morning. We must
remember our fellow-beings in affliction, Brother Jones. Early to-morrow
you must take some bread to this suffering family. If you have no bread
of your own, Brother Jones," says the respectable chap, feelingly,
"come to my shop and I--I will sell you some for this charitable
purpose." But Brother Jones proved to be a grievous backslider, my boy,
and said he had an engagement to go to Hoboken on the morning in
question. "Very well," says the respectable chap, when he heard this,
"then I will arrange it in another way. Tell our starving brothers and
sisters to have faith," says he to the missionary, in a heartfelt
manner, "and they shall be fed, even as the ravings fed my old friend
Elijah." So, the next day he called a meeting of brethren to pray that
food might be sent to the suffering ones, and they used up the entire
English language in prayer to such an extent, that when the respectable
chap topped off with a benediction, he had to introduce some Latin
quotations. They had just finished this noble work of Christian
benevolence, when the missionary came tearing in, and says he: "It's
all over; they're all dead; the last child starved to death half an
hour ago." The respectable chap stared at him aghast, and says he: "Did
you tell them to have faith?" The missionary cracked a peanut, and says
he: "Verily, I did; but they said they couldn't have faith on empty
stomachs." The respectable chap pondered a while, and says he: "If they
didn't have faith, my frens, the whole matter is explained. We, at
least, have done our duty.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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