The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
History
The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3
Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Fiction
I was conversing affably with a few official Mackerels about several
mutual friends of ours, who had been born, were married, and had
expired of decrepitude during the celebrated national sieges of
Vicksburg and Charleston, when a civilian chap named Mr. P. Greene came
into camp from New York, with the intention of proceeding immediately
to the ruins of Richmond. He was a chap of much spreading dignity, my
boy, with a carpet-bag, an umbrella, and a walking-cane.
"Having read," says he, "in all the excellent morning journals, that
Richmond is being hastily evacuated by the starving Confederacy, I have
determined to precede the military in that direction. Possibly," says
he, impressively, "I may be able to find a suitable place in the
deserted city for the residence of my family during the summer."
Captain Villiam Brown listened attentively, and says he:
"Is your intelligence official, or founded on fact?"
The civilian chap drew himself up with much dignity, and says he:
"I find it in all the morning journals."
Certainly this was conclusive, my boy; and yet our supine military men
were willing to let this unadorned civilian chap be the first to enter
the evacuated capital of the stricken Confederacy. Facing toward that
ill-fated place, he moved off, his carpet-bag in his left hand, his
umbrella In his right, and his cane under one arm, a perfect
impersonation of the spirit of American Progress. By slow and dignified
degrees he grew smaller in the distance, until finally he was out of
sight.
It was some six hours after this, my boy, that we were conversing as
before, when there suddenly appeared, coming toward us from the
direction of the capital of the Confederacy, the figure of a man
running. Rapidly it drew nearer, when I discovered it to be Mr. P.
Greene, in a horrible condition of dishevelment, his umbrella, cane,
and carpet-bag gone, his hair standing on end, his coat-tails
projective in the breeze, and his lower limbs making the best time on
record. Onward he came, like the wind, and before we could stop him, he
had gone by us, dashed frantically through the camp, and was tearing
along like mad toward Washington.
"Ah!" says Villiam, philosophically, "he derived his information from
the daily prints of the United States of America, and has seen the
elephant. The moral," says Villiam, placidly, "is very obvious,--put
not your trust in print, sirs."
If it be indeed true, that there is "more pleasure in anticipation than
in reality," the war-news we find in our excellent morning journals
should give us more pleasure than one poor pen can express.
Yours, credulously,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER XCI.
CONTAINING THE VENERABLE GAMMON'S REPORT OF THE MANNER IN WHICH THE
WAR HAS CONDUCTED ITSELF UP TO THIS TIME; AND THE MOST SURPRISING
EPITAPH OF A VICTIM OF STRATEGY.
WASHINGTON, D.C., April 12th, 1863.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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