Thus did I justify her, not only from any participation in the crime,
but from any failure in her duty. And then again my ideas changed; I
remembered the cry that she had uttered in presence of my father's dead
body: "I am punished by God!" I was not sufficiently charitable to her
to admit that those words might be merely the utterance of a refined and
scrupulous mind which reproached itself even with its thoughts. I also
recalled the gleaming eyes and shaking hands of Termonde, when he was
talking with my mother about my father's mysterious disappearance. If
they were accomplices, this was a piece of acting performed before me,
an innocent witness, so that they might invoke my childish testimony on
occasion. These recollections once more drove me upon my fated way. The
idea of a guilty tie between her and him now took possession of me, and
then came swiftly the thought that they had profited by the murder, that
they alone had an engrossing interest in it. So violent was the assault
of suspicion that it overthrew all the barriers I had raised against it.
I accumulated all the objections founded upon a physical alibi and a
moral improbability, and thence I forced myself to say it was, strictly
speaking, impossible they could have anything to do with the murder;
impossible, impossible! I repeated this frantically; but even as it
passed my lips, the hallucination returned, and struck me down. There
are moments when the disordered mind is unable to quell visions which it
knows to be false, when the imaginary and the real mingle in a
nightmare-panic, and the judgment is powerless to distinguish between
them. Who is there that, having been jealous, does not know this
condition of mind? What did I not suffer from it during the day after I
had read those letters! I wandered about the house, incapable of
attending to any duty, struck stupid by emotions which all around me
attributed to grief for my aunt's death. Several times I tried to sit
for a while beside her bed; but the sight of her pale face, with its
pinched nostrils, and its deepening expression of sadness, was
unbearable to me. It renewed my miserable doubts. At four o'clock I
received a telegram. It was from my mother, and announced her arrival by
evening train. When the slip of blue paper was in my hand my
wretchedness was for a moment relieved. She was coming. She had thought
of my trouble; she was coming. That assurance dispelled my suspicions.
What if she were to read my criminal thoughts in my face? But those
absurd and infamous notions took possession of me once more. Perhaps she
thinks, so ran my thoughts, that the correspondence between my father
and my aunt had not been destroyed, and she is coming in order to get
hold of those letters before I see them, and to find out what my aunt
said to me when she was dying. If she and Termonde are guilty, they must
have lived in constant dread of the old maid's penetration. Ah! I had
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