The Swoop! or, How Clarence Saved England: A Tale of the Great InvasionWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
The Swoop! or, How Clarence Saved England: A Tale of the Great Invasion
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Boy Scouts -- Fiction; England -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Imaginary wars and battles -- Fiction; Satire
The news that an open rupture had occurred between the Generals of the
two invading armies was not slow in circulating. The early editions of
the evening papers were full of it. A symposium of the opinions of Dr.
Emil Reich, Dr. Saleeby, Sandow, Mr. Chiozza Money, and Lady Grove was
hastily collected. Young men with knobbly and bulging foreheads were
turned on by their editors to write character-sketches of the two
generals. All was stir and activity.
Meanwhile, those who look after London's public amusements were busy
with telephone and telegraph. The quarrel had taken place on Friday
night. It was probable that, unless steps were taken, the battle would
begin early on Saturday. Which, it did not require a man of unusual
intelligence to see, would mean a heavy financial loss to those who
supplied London with its Saturday afternoon amusements. The matinees
would suffer. The battle might not affect the stalls and dress-circle,
perhaps, but there could be no possible doubt that the pit and gallery
receipts would fall off terribly. To the public which supports the pit
and gallery of a theatre there is an irresistible attraction about a
fight on anything like a large scale. When one considers that a quite
ordinary street-fight will attract hundreds of spectators, it will be
plainly seen that no theatrical entertainment could hope to compete
against so strong a counter-attraction as a battle between the German
and Russian armies.
The various football-grounds would be heavily hit, too. And there was
to be a monster roller-skating carnival at Olympia. That also would be
spoiled.
A deputation of amusement-caterers hurried to the two camps within an
hour of the appearance of the first evening paper. They put their case
plainly and well. The Generals were obviously impressed. Messages
passed and repassed between the two armies, and in the end it was
decided to put off the outbreak of hostilities till Monday morning.
* * * * *
Satisfactory as this undoubtedly was for the theatre-managers and
directors of football clubs, it was in some ways a pity. From the
standpoint of the historian it spoiled the whole affair. But for the
postponement, readers of this history might--nay, would--have been able
to absorb a vivid and masterly account of the great struggle, with a
careful description of the tactics by which victory was achieved. They
would have been told the disposition of the various regiments, the
stratagems, the dashing advances, the skilful retreats, and the Lessons
of the War.
As it is, owing to the mistaken good-nature of the rival generals, the
date of the fixture was changed, and practically all that a historian
can do is to record the result.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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