That night Stuart slept not at all. For hours after he reached his room
in the hotel he paced it frantically. First cumulative anger, long held
in leash, swept him like a forest fire, charring his reason into
unreason. He had fought for Conscience and lost her. She had thrown her
lot with the narrow minds and cast him adrift. He had placed all his
trust in her and she had failed to rise above her heritage. But as the
night wore on a nauseating reaction of self-indictment followed. He saw
that he had grossly affronted her and brutally accused her. The
generosity and fairness he worshiped had had no part in his conduct. He,
too, spent hours writing, destroying and rewriting letters.
At last he let one stand.
"But, dearest," he said at its end, "if you _do_ let me come back,
you must still let me fight--not with temper and accusation, but
patiently--against the strangling of your life. After this
afternoon there can be no middle ground. I stand before you so
discredited that unless you love me enough to forgive me you must
hate me wholly and completely. If it's hate, I have earned it--and
more, but if it _can_ still be love, I have a life to spend in
contradiction of to-day. I shall remain here twenty-four hours
waiting for my answer, and each hour until it comes will be a
purgatory. I've forfeited my right to come to you without
permission. I must wait for your verdict. I don't even claim the
right to expect an answer--but I know you will give one. Not to do
so would be to brand me, for life, not only with bitter hatred but
bitter contempt as well."
At dawn, without having been to bed, he posted the letter and sat down
to wait with the anxiety of a defendant who has seen the jury locked
into its chamber of fateful decision.
When Eben Tollman came into the post office that morning, he called for
his mail and that of the Williams household.
Conscience's note to Stuart he did not mail. Stuart's letter to
Conscience he did not deliver, but later in the day he deposited both in
a strong-box in which he kept his private papers.
Three days Stuart Farquaharson spent waiting for an answer and while he
waited his face became drawn, and the ugly doubt of the first hours
settled into a certainty. There would be no answer. He had told her that
to ignore his plea would be the superlative form of scorn--and she had
chosen it.
Conscience, too, who had humbled herself, was waiting: waiting at first
with a trust which refused to entertain doubt, and which withered as the
days passed into such an agony that she felt she must go mad. If Stuart
had deliberately done _that_--she must make herself forget him because
to hold him in her heart would be to disgrace herself. The man, in the
hour of ugly passion, had been the real one after all; the other only a
pleasing masquerade!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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