England -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction; English fiction -- 19th century
She gave him a quick "good-bye," and then passed on. Waymark moved at
once in the opposite direction, turning the corner. Then he wished to
go back and notice which house she entered, but would not do so lest
she should observe him. He walked straight forwards.
How the aspect of the world had changed for him in these few minutes;
what an incredible revolution had come to pass in his own desires and
purposes! The intellectual atmosphere he breathed was of his own
creation; the society of cultured people he had never had an
opportunity of enjoying. A refined and virtuous woman had hitherto
existed for him merely in the sanctuary of his imagination; he had
known not one such. If he passed one in the street, the effect of the
momentary proximity was only to embitter his thoughts, by reminding him
of the hopeless gulf fixed between his world and that in which such
creatures had their being. In revenge, he tried to soil the purity of
his ideals; would have persuaded himself that the difference between
the two spheres was merely in externals, that he was imposed upon by
wealth, education, and superficial refinement of manners. Happily he
had never really succeeded in thus deceiving himself, and the effort
had only served to aggravate his miseries. The habit of mind, however,
had shown itself in the earlier stages of his acquaintance with Miss
Enderby. The first sight of her had moved him somewhat, but scarcely
with any foreshadowing of serious emotion. He felt that she was
different from any woman with whom he had ever stood on an equal
footing; but, at the same time, the very possibility of establishing
more or less intimate relations with her made him distrustful of his
judgment. In spite of himself, he tried to disparage her qualities. She
was pretty, he admitted, but then of such a feeble, characterless type;
doubtless her understanding corresponded with the weakness of her
outward appearance. None the less, he had continued to observe her
keenly, and had noted with pleasure every circumstance which
contradicted his wilful depreciation of her. His state of mind after
the thrashing he gave to young Tootle had been characteristic. What had
been the cause of his violence? Certainly not uncontrollable anger, for
he had in reality been perfectly cool throughout the affair; simply,
then, the pleasure of avenging Miss Enderby. And for this he had
sacrificed his place, and left himself without resources. He had acted
absurdly; certainly would not have repeated the absurdity had the scene
been to act over again. This was not the attitude of one in love, and
he knew it. Moreover, though he had thought of writing to her, it would
in reality have cost him nothing if she had forthwith passed out of his
sight and knowledge. Now how all this had been altered, by a mere
chance meeting. The doubts had left him; she was indeed the being from
a higher world that he would have liked to believe her from the first;
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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