American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
The beef is divided into five prizes, or, as they are commonly termed,
five _quarters_--the hide and tallow counting as one. For several years
after the revolutionary war, a sixth was added: the _lead_ which was
shot in the match. This was the prize of the sixth best shot; and it
used to be carefully extracted from the board or tree in which it was
lodged, and afterward remoulded. But this grew out of the exigency of
the times, and has, I believe, been long since abandoned everywhere.
The three master shots and rivals were Moses Firmby, Larkin Spivey and
Billy Curlew; to whom was added, upon this occasion, by common consent
and with awful forebodings, your humble servant.
The target was fixed at an elevation of about three feet from the
ground; and the judges (Captain Turner and 'Squire Porter) took their
stands by it, joined by about half the spectators.
The first name on the catalogue was Mealy Whitecotton. Mealy stepped
out, rifle in hand, and toed the mark. His rifle was about three inches
longer than himself, and near enough his own thickness to make the
remark of Darby Chislom, as he stepped out, tolerably appropriate: "Here
comes the corn-stalk and the sucker!" said Darby.
"Kiss my foot!" said Mealy. "The way I'll creep into that bull's-eye's a
fact."
"You'd better creep into your hind sight," said Darby. Mealy raised and
fired.
"A pretty good shot, Mealy!" said one.
"Yes, a blamed good shot!" said a second.
"Well done, Meal!" said a third.
I was rejoiced when one of the company inquired, "Where is it?" for I
could hardly believe they were founding these remarks upon the evidence
of their senses.
"Just on the right-hand side of the bull's-eye," was the reply.
I looked with all the power of my eyes, but was unable to discover the
least change in the surface of the paper. Their report, however, was
true; so much keener is the vision of a practiced than an unpracticed
eye.
The next in order was Hiram Baugh. Hiram was like some race-horses which
I have seen; he was too good not to contend for every prize, and too
good for nothing ever to win one.
"Gentlemen," said he, as he came to the mark, "I don't say that I'll win
beef; but if my piece don't blow, I'll eat the paper, or be mighty apt
to do it, if you'll b'lieve my racket. My powder are not good powder,
gentlemen; I bought it _thum_ (from) Zeb Daggett, and gin him
three-quarters of a dollar a pound for it; but it are not what I call
good powder, gentlemen; but if old Buck-killer burns it clear, the boy
you call Hiram Baugh eat's paper, or comes mighty near it."
"Well, blaze away," said Mealy, "and be d----d to you, and Zeb Daggett,
and your powder, and Buck-killer, and your powder-horn and shot-pouch to
boot! How long you gwine stand thar talking 'fore you shoot?"
"Never mind," said Hiram, "I can talk a little and shoot a little, too,
but that's nothin'. Here goes!"
Hiram assumed the figure of a note of interrogation, took a long sight,
and fired.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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