American literature -- Humor; American wit and humor
Scarcely had Mr. Ham fallen at his post, when a venerable old warrior,
with matchless intrepidity, stepped into the vacated spot; and without a
sign of fear carried on the contest against the Arch Fiend, whose great
ally had been so recently overthrown--i.e., Goliath, (not Mr. Ham). Yet
excited, as evidently was this veteran, he still could not forego his
usual introduction, stating how old he was; where he was born; where he
obtained religion; how long he had been a preacher; how many miles he
had traveled in a year; and when he buried his wife--all of which
edifying truths were received with the usual applauses of a devout and
enlightened assembly. But this introduction over--which did not occupy
more than fifteen or twenty minutes--he began his attack in fine style,
waxing louder and louder as he proceeded, till he exceeded all the old
gentlemen to "holler" I ever heard, and indeed old ladies either.
EXTRACT FROM HIS DISCOURSE
"... Yes, sinners! you'll all have to fall and be knock'd down some time
or nuther, like the great giant we've heern tell on, when the Lord's
sarvints come and fight agin you! Oho! sinner! sinner!--oh!--I hope you
may be knock'd down to-night--now!--this moment--and afore you die and
go to judgment! Yes! oho! yes! oh!--I say judgment--for it's appinted
once to die and then the judgment--oho! oh! And what a time ther'll be
then! You'll see all these here trees--and them 'are stars, and yonder
silver moon afire!--and all the alliments a-meltin and runnin down with
fervent heat-ah!"--(I have elsewhere stated that the _unlearned_
preachers out there (?) are by the vulgar--(not the _poor_)--but the
_vulgar_, supposed to be more favored in preaching than man-made
preachers; and that the sign of an unlearned preacher's inspiration
being in full _blast_ is his inhalations, which puts an ah! to
the end of sentences, members, words, and even exclamations, till
his breath is all gone, and no more can be _sucked_ in)--"Oho!
hoah! fervent heat-ah! and the trumpit a-soundin-ah!--and the dead
arisin-ah!--and all on us a-flyin-ah!--to be judged-ah!--O-hoah!
sinner--sinner--sinner--sinner-ah! And what do I see away
thar'-ah!--down the Mississippi-ah!--thar's a man jist done a-killin-ah
another-ah!--and up he goes with his bloody dagger-ah! And what's that I
see to the East-ah! where proud folks live clothed in purple-ah! and
fine linen-ah!--I see 'em round a table a drinkin a decoction of Indian
herb-ah!--and up they go with cups in thar hands-ah! and
see--ohoah!--see! in yonder doggery some a dancin-ah! and
fiddlin-ah!--and up they go-ah! with cards-ah! and fiddle-ah!" etc.,
etc.
Here the tempest around drowned the voice of the old hero; although,
from the frantic violence of his gestures, the frightful distortion of
his features, and the Pythonic foam of his mouth, he was plainly blazing
away at the enemy. The uproar, however, so far subsided as to allow my
hearing his closing exhortation, which was this:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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