Dick Strype Was a dear friend and lover of the PIPE; He us'd to say, _one pipe of Kirkman's best_ Gave life a _zest_. To him 'twas meat, and drink, and physic, To see the friendly vapour Curl round his midnight taper, And the black fume Clothe all the room, In clouds as dark as _science metaphysic_. So still he smok'd, and drank, and crack'd his joke; And, had he _single_ tarried He might have smok'd, and still grown old in smoke: But RICHARD _married_. His wife was one, who carried The _cleanly virtues_ almost to a vice, She was so _nice:_ And thrice a week, above, below, The house was scour'd from top to toe, And all the floors were rubb'd so bright, You dar'd not walk upright For fear of sliding: But that she took a pride in. Of all things else REBECCA STRYPE Could least endure a _pipe_. She rail'd upon the filthy herb tobacco, Protested that the noisome vapour Had spoilt the best chintz curtains and the paper And cost her many a pound in stucco: And then she quoted our _King James_, who saith "Tobacco is the Devil's breath." When wives _will_ govern, husbands _must_ obey; For many a day DICK mourn'd and miss'd his favourite tobacco, And curs'd REBECCA. At length the day approach'd, his wife must die: Imagine now the doleful cry Of female friends, old aunts and cousins, Who to the fun'ral came by dozens-- The undertaker's men and mutes Stood at the gate in sable suits With doleful looks, Just like so many melancholy _rooks_. Now cakes and wine are handed round, Folks sigh, and drink, and drink, and sigh, For Grief makes people dry: But DICK is _missing_, nowhere to be found Above, below, about They searched the house throughout, Each hole and secret entry, Quite from the garret to the pantry, In every corner, cupboard, nook and shelf, And all concluded he had _hang'd_ himself. At last they found him--reader, guess you where-- 'Twill make you stare-- Perch'd on REBECCA'S _Coffin_, at his rest, SMOKING A PIPE OF KIRKMAN'S BEST. TWO EPITAPHS ON A YOUNG LADY WHO LIVED NEGLECTED AND DIED OBSCURE (1801 _or_ 1802) I