Three Men and a MaidWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Three Men and a Maid
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories
"The great thing," said Jno. Peters, "is to learn to draw quickly. Like
this!" he added, producing the revolver with something of the
smoothness and rapidity with which Billie, in happier moments, had seen
conjurers take a bowl of gold fish out of a tall hat. "Everything
depends on getting the first shot! The first shot, Miss Milliken, is
vital."
Suddenly Billie had an inspiration. It was hopeless she knew, to try to
convince this poor demented creature, obsessed with his _idee
fixe_, that she was not Miss Milliken. Denial would be a waste of
time, and might even infuriate him into precipitating the tragedy. It was
imperative that she should humour him. And, while she was humouring
him, it suddenly occurred to her, why not do it thoroughly.
"Mr. Peters," she cried, "you are quite mistaken!"
"I beg your pardon," said Jno. Peters, with not a little asperity.
"Nothing of the kind!"
"You are!"
"I assure you I am not. Quickness in the draw is essential."
"You have been misinformed."
"Well, I had it direct from the man at the Rupert Street range," said
Mr. Peters stiffly. "And if you had ever seen a picture called Two-Gun
Thomas...."
"Mr. Peters!" cried Billie desperately. He was making her head swim
with his meaningless ravings. "Mr. Peters, hear me! I am not married to
a man at Ealing West!"
Mr. Peters betrayed no excitement at the information. This girl seemed
for some reason to consider her situation an extraordinary one, but
many women, he was aware, were in a similar position. In fact, he could
not at the moment think of any of his feminine acquaintances who
_were_ married to men at Ealing West.
"Indeed?" he said politely.
"Won't you believe me?" exclaimed Billie wildly.
"Why, certainly, certainly," said Jno. Peters.
"Thank God!" said Billie. "I'm not even engaged! It's all been a
terrible mistake!"
When two people in a small room are speaking on two distinct and
different subjects and neither knows what on earth the other is driving
at, there is bound to be a certain amount of mental confusion: but at
this point Jno. Peters, though still not wholly equal to the
intellectual pressure of the conversation, began to see a faint shimmer
of light behind the clouds. In a nebulous kind of way he began to
understand that the girl had come to consult the firm about a
breach-of-promise action. Some unknown man at Ealing West had been
trifling with her heart--hardened lawyer's clerk as he was, that poignant
cry "I'm not engaged!" had touched Mr. Peters--and she wished to start
proceedings. Mr. Peters felt almost in his depth again. He put the
revolver in his pocket, and drew out a note-book.
"I should be glad to hear the facts," he said with professional
courtesy. "In the absence of the Guv'nor...."
"I have told you the facts!"
"This man at Ealing West," said Mr. Peters, moistening the point of his
pencil, "he wrote you letters proposing marriage?"
"No, no, no!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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