As the curtain rises, Punch is heard behind the scenes trolling the French ballad 'Malbrooke s'en va-t-en guerre,' and presently appears dancing, and in high good humour, and in droll verses tells the spectators what manner of humour he is of. He calls himself a gay merry fellow, who loves to give a joke, but is not very ready to take one; and if he is ever gentle, it is only towards the fair sex. With his money he is frank and free; and his grand object is to laugh his whole life long, and to grow as fat as he can. He declares himself a great admirer and seducer of the girls, and, as long as he can get it, a friend of good cheer; when he cannot, however, he can live on cheese-parings, and if he die--why then there's no more to be said, than that's all over, and there's an end of Punch and the play. (This latter avowal unquestionably smells a little of atheism.) After this monologue, he calls behind the scene for Judy, his young wife, who will not come, but at last sends her dog instead. Punch strokes and caresses him, but the spiteful cur seizes him by the nose, and holds him fast, till after a laughable fight, and various rough jokes of the not too discreet Punch, he at last beats off the dog and gives him a sound drubbing. His neighbour Scaramouch, hearing the noise, here enters with a large stick, and calls Punch to account why he beat Judy's favourite dog, "that _never_ bit anybody." "And I _never_ beat a dog," replied Punch; "but," continues he, "what have you there in your hand, my dear Scaramouch?" "Oh, nothing but a fiddle; will you hear the tone of it? Do but come and hear what a fine instrument it is." "Thank ye, thank ye, my good Scaramouch," replies Punch modestly, "I can distinguish the tone of it very well here." Scaramouch, however, is not to be so put off, and while he dances about to the sound of his own singing, and flourishes his stick, he gives Punch, as if by accident, a great knock on the head. Punch affects not to heed it, but begins to dance too, and watching his opportunity suddenly snatches the stick out of Scaramouch's hand, and in a trice gives him such a blow with it that poor Scaramouch's head rolls down at his feet,--for where Punch lays about him the grass does not grow. "Ha! ha!" cries he, laughing, "did you hear the fiddle, my good Scaramouch? What a fine tone it has! As long as you live, my lad, you'll never hear a finer. But where is my Judy? My sweet Judy, why don't you come."