Not that it was the intention that had failed her now. It had succeeded
so beautifully, so perfectly, that he had no need to come at all. She
had given Bella back to him. She had given him back to Bella. Only, she
faced the full perfection of her work. She had brought it to so fine a
point that she would never see him again; she had gone to the root of
it; she had taken from him the desire to see her. And now it was as if
subtly, insidiously, her relation to him had become inverted. Whereas
hitherto it had been she who had been necessary to him, it seemed now
that he was far more, beyond all comparison, more necessary to her.
After all, Rodney had had Bella; and she had nobody but Rodney. He was
the one solitary thing she cared for. And hitherto it had not mattered
so immensely, for all her caring, whether he came to her or not. Seeing
him had been, perhaps, a small mortal joy; but it had not been the
tremendous and essential thing. She had been contented, satisfied beyond
all mortal contentments and satisfactions, with the intangible,
immaterial tie. Now she longed, with an unendurable longing, for his
visible, bodily presence. She had not realized her joy as long as it was
with her; she had refused to acknowledge it because of its mortal
quality, and it had raised no cry that troubled her abiding spiritual
calm. But now that she had put it from her, it thrust itself on her, it
cried, it clung piteously to her and would not let her go. She looked
back to the last year, her year of Fridays, and saw it following her,
following and entreating. She looked forward and she saw Friday after
Friday coming upon her, a procession of pitiless days, trampling it
down, her small, piteous mortal joy, and her mortality rose in her and
revolted. She had been disturbed by what she had called the “lurking
possibilities” in Rodney; they were nothing to the lurking possibilities
in her.
There were moments when her desire to see Rodney sickened her with its
importunity. Each time she beat it back, in an instant, to its burrow
below the threshold, and it hid there, it ran underground. There were
ways below the threshold by which desire could get at him. Therefore,
one night—Tuesday of the fourth week—she cut him off. She refused to
hold him even by a thread. It was Bella and Bella only that she held
now.
On Friday of that week she heard from him. Bella was still all right.
But _he_ wasn’t. Anything but. He didn’t know what was the matter with
him. He supposed it was the same old thing again. He couldn’t think how
poor Bella stood him, but she did. It must be awfully bad for her. It
was beastly—wasn’t it?—that he should have got like that, just when
Bella was so well.
She might have known it. She had, in fact, known. Having once held him,
and having healed him, she had no right—as long as the Power consented
to work through her—she had no right to let him go.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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