Cambridge (England) -- Fiction; College teachers -- Fiction; English fiction -- 20th century; Marriage -- Fiction
It all looked lost in a sweetness of serene repose; and the thoughts
that had troubled him rose with a bitter poignancy, that was almost a
physical pain. The contrast between the high summer, the rich life of
herb and tree, and his own weary and arid thoughts, fell on him like a
flash. Would it not be better to die, to close one's eyes upon it all,
to sink into silence, than thus to register the awful conflict of will
and passion with the tranquil life that could not surrender its dreams
of peace? What did he need and desire? He could not tell; he felt
almost a hatred of the slender, quiet girl, with her sweet look, her
delicate hands, her noiseless movements. She had made no claim, she did
not come in radiant triumph, with impressive gestures and strong
commanding influences into his life; she had not even cried out
passionately, demanded love, displayed an urgent need; there had been
nothing either tragic or imperious, nothing that called for instant
solution; she was just a girl, sweet, wayward, anxious-minded, living a
trivial, simple, sheltered life. What had given her this awful power
over him, which seemed to have rent and shattered all his tranquil
contentment, and yet had offered no splendid opportunity, claimed no
all-absorbing devotion, no magnificent sacrifice? It was a sort of
monstrous spell, a magical enchantment, which had thus made havoc of
all his plans and gentle schemes. Life, he felt, could never be the
same for him again; he was in the grip of a power that made light of
human arrangements. The old books were full of it; they had spoken of
some hectic mystery, that seized upon warriors and sages alike, wasted
their strength, broke their energies, led them into crime and sorrow.
He had always rather despised the pale and hollow-eyed lovers of the
old songs, and thought of them as he might think of men indulging in a
baneful drug which filched away all manful prowess and vigour. It was
like La Belle Dame sans merci after all, the slender faring child,
whose kiss in the dim grotto had left the warrior 'alone and palely
loitering,' burdened with sad thoughts in the wintry land. And yet he
could not withstand it. He could see the reasonable and sensible
course, a placid friendship, a long life full of small duties and quiet
labours;--and then the thought of Maud would come across him, with her
shining hair, her clear eyes, holding a book, as he had seen her last
in the Vicarage, in her delicate hands, and looking out into the garden
with that troubled inscrutable look; and all the prudent considerations
fell and tumbled together like a house of cards, and he felt as though
he must go straight to her and fall before her, and ask her to give him
a gift the very nature of which he did not know, her girlish self, her
lightly-ranging mind, her tiny cares and anxieties, her virginal
heart--for what purpose? he did not know; just to be with her, to clasp
her close, to hear her voice, to look into her eyes, to discourse with
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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