Running, I passed through familiar, half-dark, echoing rooms, and
for some reason I ran straight to the bedroom. When I had reached
the door, a thought flashed: "And if she is there ... not alone?" I
stopped and listened. But all I heard was the tick-tock of my heart,
not within me, but somewhere near, outside me.
I entered. The large bed,--untouched. A mirror ... another mirror
in the door of the cupboard, and in the keyhole an ancient key upon
an ancient ring. No one was there. I called softly: "I-330, are you
here?"--and then in a still lower voice with closed eyes, holding
my breath,--in a voice as though I were kneeling before her, "I-,
dear." Silence. Only the water was dripping fast into the white
basin of the washstand. I cannot now explain why, but I disliked
that sound. I turned the faucet hard and went out. She was not
there, so much was clear. She must be in another "apartment."
I ran down a wide, sombre stairway, pulled one door, another, a
third,--locked. Every room was locked save that of "our" apartment.
And she was not there. I went back again to the same apartment
without knowing why. I walked slowly, with difficulty; my shoe-soles
suddenly became as heavy as cast-iron. I remember distinctly my
thought, "It is a mistake that the force of gravity is a constant;
consequently all my formulae...."
Suddenly--an explosion! A door slammed down below; some one stamped
quickly over the flagstones. I again became lightfooted, extremely
light! I dashed to the railing to bend over, and in one word, one
exclamation, expressed everything: "You!"
I became cold. Below in the square shadow of the window-frame,
flapping its pink wing-ears, the head of S- passed by!
Like lightning I saw only the naked conclusion. Without any premises
(I don't recall any premises even now) the conclusion: he must not
see me here! And on the tips of my toes, pressing myself against the
wall, I sneaked upstairs into the unlocked apartment.
I stopped for a second at the door. He was stamping upward, here. If
only the door.... I prayed to the door but it was a wooden one,--It
squeaked, it squealed. Like a wind something red passed my eyes,
something green, and the yellow Buddha. In front of the mirror-door
of the cupboard, my pale face; my ears still following those steps,
my lips.... Now _he_ was already passing the green and yellow, now
he was passing Buddha, now at the doorsill of the bedroom....
I grasped the key of the cupboard; the ring oscillated. This
oscillation reminded me of something. Again a conclusion, a naked
conclusion without premises; a conclusion, or to be more exact, a
fragment of one: "Now I-330 is...." I brusquely opened the cupboard
and when inside in the darkness shut the door firmly. One step! The
floor shook under my feet. Slowly and softly I floated somewhere
downward; my eyes were dimmed,--I died!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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