A pink check fell out of the envelope. It was hers, _her_ check! Her
tender perfume! I felt like running to catch up with that wonderful
under-the-forehead one. A tiny note followed the check from the
envelope; three lines: "The check ... Lower the curtains without
fail, as if I were actually with you. It is necessary that they
should think that I ... I am very, very sorry."
I tore the note into small bits. A glance at the mirror revealed
my distorted, broken eyebrows. I took the check and was ready to
do with it as I had done with the note. "She asked that everything
... as requested in the letter ... without fail." My arms weakened
and the hands loosened. The check was back on the table. She _is_
stronger than I, stronger than I. It seemed as though I were going
to act as she wished. Besides ... however, it is a long time before
evening.
The check remained on the table. In the mirror--my distorted, broken
eyebrows. Oh, why did I not have a doctor's certificate for today? I
should like to go and walk, walk without end around the Green Wall
and then to fall on my bed ... to the bottom of.... Yet I had to go
to Auditorium No. 13, and I should have to grip myself, so as to
bear up for two hours! Two hours without motion, at a time when I
wanted to scream and stamp my feet!
The lecture was on. It was very strange to hear from the sparkling
tube of the phono-lecturer not the usual metallic voice but a soft,
velvety, mossy one. It was a woman's voice and I seemed to have a
vision of the woman: a little hook-like old woman, like the one of
the Ancient House.
The Ancient House! Suddenly from within me a powerful fountain
of.... I had to use all my strength to control myself, so as not to
fill the auditorium with screams. The soft mossy words were piercing
me, yet only empty words about children and child-production reached
my ear. I was like a photographic plate: everything was making
its imprint with a strange, senseless precision on me; the golden
scythe which was nothing more than the reflection of light from the
megaphone of the lecture apparatus, under the megaphone a child,
a living illustration. It was leaning toward the megaphone, the
angle of its infinitesimal unif in its mouth, its little fist
clenched firmly, its thumb squeezed into the fist, a light fluffy
pleat of skin at the wrist. Like a photographic plate I was taking
the impression of all this. Now I saw how its naked leg hung over
the edge of the platform, the pink fan of its finger waved in the
air.... One minute more, one second and the child would be on the
floor!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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