The Comic Almanack, Volume 1: An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities
David Hume · en
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[Illustration:
JANUARY.—"Hard Frost."
]
SLANGOLOGY.
"With many holiday and _court-like_ phrase—"
_Shakespeare's Henry IV., Part I._
MISS ARABELLA WILHELMINA WIGGINs is the pattern of gentility:
She never utters vulgar words, but talks just like nobility.
I met her at Vauxhall, last year, and she gave me a sad relation
About Miss Briggs: I recollect it every word;—but here's her own
narration:
"Oh, dear! my dear Miss Popkins! have you heard what befel Miss B.?
(I wish, Papa, you'd get _up to snuff_ the lights; one can hardly see:
Oh, la! you've made 'em _flare up so_, I declare we are quite in a
blaze:
And, bless me! there's all the people staring at us, all in amaze!)
I'll tell you, while Papa is taking his _punch_; _his pipkin_ he calls
the bowl,
(You _make yourself scarce_ any punch at home, Papa; so I suppose
you'll drink the whole).
I'm sure he will, Miss P.; and even then he wont have quench'd his
drouth.
(I really wonder, Pa', how you can pour so much punch _down in the
mouth_.)
But how I rattle on! quite forgetting all about Miss B.
You must know we were on a visit at a country cousin's; and after tea
We stroll'd about with Mr. Timbs, and Mr. Figgins, and Mr. Oddy;—
I declare _there he goes with his eye out_-staring every body.
Poor fellow! he has but one, for the other's made of glass;
'Twas a sad accident; and I'll tell you how it came to pass:—
One night, he went out rabbit-_shooting_; _the moon_ was shining
bright;
His gun was overloaded and bursted; and so one eye lost its sight.
Well, Miss Briggs is a very bold girl; as bold a girl as one knows;
And as we were walking along, the laundress caught _my eye; and_
'_Betty Martin_,' says Miss B., '_where do you hang out_ your clothes?'
She came to a well after that; and, really, I am almost ashamed to
tell,
But, upon my word, she behav'd exceedingly ill about that well.
She began to _kick the bucket_; and to a man who was chopping down a
tree,
She said: 'What are you with that _axe about_?' which was very rude
indeed of Miss B.;
And when he left off chopping, she said, 'Why don't you _cut your
stick_?'
The man was just then chopping a piece of wood that was thick.
Now this made him quite confus'd; and in his hurry his skill to show
off,
He made a slip with his axe, and chopped poor Miss Brigg's little toe
off.
The shock gave me such a terrible pain all over _my eyes and limbs_,
That I really should have fainted, if it hadn't been for that dear Mr.
Timbs.