DEMOCRACY. The theory that two thieves will steal less than one, and three less than two, and four less than three, and so on _ad infinitum_; the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. EPIGRAM. A platitude with vine-leaves in its hair. EUGENICS. The theory that marriages should be made in the laboratory; the Wassermann test for love. EVIL. That which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. EXPERIENCE. A series of failures. Every failure teaches a man something, to wit, that he will probably fail again next time. FAME. An embalmer trembling with stage-fright. FINE. A bribe paid by a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his crime. In China such bribes are paid to the judge personally; in America they are paid to him as agent for the public. But it makes no difference to the men who pay them--nor to the men who can't pay them. FIRMNESS. A form of stupidity; proof of an inability to think the same thing out twice. FRIENDSHIP. A mutual belief in the same fallacies, mountebanks, hobgoblins and imbecilities. GENTLEMAN. One who never strikes a woman without provocation; one on whose word of honor the betting odds are at least 1 to 2. HAPPINESS. Peace after effort, the overcoming of difficulties, the feeling of security and well-being. The only really happy folk are married women and single men. HELL. A place where the Ten Commandments have a police force behind them. HISTORIAN. An unsuccessful novelist. HONEYMOON. The time during which the bride believes the bridegroom's word of honor. HOPE. A pathological belief in the occurrence of the impossible. HUMANITARIAN. One who would be sincerely sorry to see his neighbor's children devoured by wolves. HUSBAND. One who played safe and is now played safely. A No. 16 neck in a No. 151/2 collar. HYGIENE. Bacteriology made moral; the theory that the Italian in the ditch should be jailed for spitting on his hands. IDEALIST. One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. IMMORALITY. The morality of those who are having a better time. You will never convince the average farmer's mare that the late Maud S. was not dreadfully immoral. IMMORTALITY. The condition of a dead man who doesn't believe that he is dead. JEALOUSY. The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste. JUDGE. An officer appointed to mislead, restrain, hypnotize, cajole, seduce, browbeat, flabbergast and bamboozle a jury in such a manner that it will forget all the facts and give its decision to the best lawyer. The objection to judges is that they are seldom capable of a sound professional judgment of lawyers. The objection to lawyers is that the best are the worst. JURY. A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.