Babies smelling of camomile tea, cologne water, wet laundry, dog soap, _Schmierkase_. Babies who appear old, disillusioned and tired of life at six months. Babies that cry "Papa!" to blushing youths of nineteen or twenty at church picnics. Fat babies whose earlobes turn out at an angle of forty-five degrees. Soft, pulpy babies asleep in perambulators, the sun shining straight into their faces. Babies gnawing the tails of synthetic dogs. Babies without necks. Pale, scorbutic babies of the third and fourth generation, damned because their grandfathers and great-grandfathers read Tom Paine. Babies of a bluish tinge, or with vermilion eyes. Babies full of soporifics. Thin, cartilaginous babies that stretch when they are lifted. Warm, damp, miasmatic babies. Affectionate, ingratiating, gurgling babies: the _larvae_ of life insurance solicitors, fashionable doctors, Episcopal rectors, dealers in Mexican mine stock, hand-shakers, Sunday-school superintendents. Hungry babies, absurdly sucking their thumbs. Babies with heads of thick, coarse black hair, seeming to be toupees. Unbaptized babies, dedicated to the devil. Eugenic babies. Babies that crawl out from under tables and are stepped on. Babies with lintels, grains of corn or shoe-buttons up their noses, purple in the face and waiting for the doctor or the embalmer. A few pink, blue-eyed, tight-skinned, clean-looking babies, smiling upon the world.... _XIV.--HOMEOPATHICS_ _XIV.--Homeopathics_ 1. _Scene Infernal._ During a lull in the uproar of Hell two voices were heard. "My name," said one, "was Ludwig van Beethoven. I was no ordinary musician. The Archduke Rudolph used to speak to me on the streets of Vienna." "And mine," said the other, "was the Archduke Rudolph. I was no ordinary archduke. Ludwig van Beethoven dedicated a trio to me." 2. _The Eternal Democrat._ A Socialist, carrying a red flag, marched through the gates of Heaven. "To Hell with rank!" he shouted. "All men are equal here." Just then the late Karl Marx turned a corner and came into view, meditatively stroking his whiskers. At once the Socialist fell upon his knees and touched his forehead to the dust. "O Master!" he cried. "O Master, Master!" 3. _The School of Honor._ A trembling young reporter stood in the presence of an eminent city editor. "If I write this story," said the reporter, "it will rob a woman of her good name." "If you don't write it," said the city editor, "I'll give you a kick in the pantaloons." Next day the young reporter got a raise in salary and the woman swallowed two ounces of permanganate of potassium. 4. _Proposed Plot For a Modern Novel._ Herman was in love with Violet, the wife of Armand, an elderly diabetic. Armand showed three per cent of sugar a day. Herman and Violet, who were Christians, awaited with virtuous patience the termination of Armand's distressing malady. One day Dr. Frederick M. Allen discovered his cure for diabetes. 5. _Victory._