A century of English essays : $b An anthology ranging from Caxton to R. L. Stevenson & the writers of our own time
General
A century of English essays : $b An anthology ranging from Caxton to R. L. Stevenson & the writers of our own time
English essays; English literature
When I sat down I considered that something pretty was always said to
ladies, and resolved to recover my credit by some elegant observation
or graceful compliment. I applied myself to the recollection of all I
had read or heard in praise of beauty, and endeavoured to accommodate
some classical compliment to the present occasion. I sunk into
profound meditation, revolved the character of the heroines of old,
considered whatever the poets have sung in their praise, and after
having borrowed and invented, chosen and rejected a thousand
sentiments, which, if I had uttered them, would not have been
understood, I was awakened from my dream of learned gallantry by the
servant who distributed the tea.
There are not many situations more incessantly uneasy than that in
which the man is placed who is watching an opportunity to speak
without courage to take it when it is offered, and who, though he
resolves to give a specimen of his abilities, always finds some reason
or other for delaying it to the next minute. I was ashamed of silence,
yet could find nothing to say of elegance or importance equal to my
wishes. The ladies, afraid of my learning, thought themselves not
qualified to propose any subject to prattle to a man so famous for
dispute, and there was nothing on either side but impatience and
vexation.
In this conflict of shame, as I was reassembling my scattered
sentiments, and, resolving to force my imagination to some sprightly
sally, had just found a very happy compliment, by too much attention
to my own meditations, I suffered the saucer to drop from my hand, the
cup was broken, the lapdog was scalded, a brocaded petticoat was
stained, and the whole assembly was thrown into disorder. I now
considered all hopes of reputation as at an end, and while they were
consoling and assisting one another, stole away in silence.
The misadventures of this happy day are not yet at an end; I am afraid
of meeting the meanest of them that triumphed over me in this state of
stupidity and contempt, and feel the same terrors encroaching upon my
heart at the sight of those who have once impressed them. Shame, above
any other passion, propagates itself. Before those who have seen me
confused I can never appear without new confusion, and the remembrance
of the weakness which I formerly discovered hinders me from acting or
speaking with my natural force.
But is this misery, Mr. Rambler, never to cease? Have I spent my life
in study only to become the sport of the ignorant, and debarred myself
from all the common enjoyments of youth to collect ideas which must
sleep in silence, and form opinions which I must not divulge? Inform
me, dear sir, by what means I may rescue my faculties from these
shackles of cowardice, how I may rise to a level with my fellow
beings, recall myself from this languor of involuntary subjection to
the free exertion of my intellects, and add to the power of reasoning
the liberty of speech.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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