His sauce should be considered. Decidedly, a few bread crumbs, done up with his liver and brains, and a dash of mild sage. But, banish, dear Mrs. Cook, I beseech you, the whole onion tribe. Barbecue your whole hogs to your palate, steep them in shalots, stuff them out with plantations of the rank and guilty garlic; you cannot poison them, or make them stronger than they are--but consider, he is a weakling--a flower. _Lamb._ POOR RELATIONS A Poor Relation--is the most irrelevant thing in nature,--a piece of impertinent correspondency,--an odious approximation,--a haunting conscience,--a preposterous shadow, lengthening in the noontide of our prosperity,--an unwelcome remembrancer,--a perpetually recurring mortification,--a drain on your purse,--a more intolerable dun upon your pride,--a drawback upon success,--a rebuke to your rising,--a stain in your blood,--a blot on your 'scutcheon,--a rent in your garment,--a death's head at your banquet,--Agathocles' pot,--a Mordecai in your gate,--a Lazarus at your door,--a lion in your path,--a frog in your chamber,--a fly in your ointment,--a mote in your eye,--a triumph to your enemy, an apology to your friends,--the one thing not needful,--the hail in harvest,--the ounce of sour in a pound of sweet. He is known by his knock. Your heart telleth you "That is Mr. ----." A rap, between familiarity and respect; that demands, and, at the same time, seems to despair of, entertainment. He entereth smiling and--embarrassed. He holdeth out his hand to you to shake, and--draweth it back again. He casually looketh in about dinner-time--when the table is full. He offereth to go away, seeing you have company, but is induced to stay. He filleth a chair, and your visitor's two children are accommodated at a side table. He never cometh upon open days, when your wife says with some complacency, "My dear, perhaps Mr. ---- will drop in to-day." He remembereth birthdays--and professeth he is fortunate to have stumbled upon one. He declareth against fish, the turbot being small--yet suffereth himself to be importuned into a slice against his first resolution. He sticketh by the port--yet will be prevailed upon to empty the remainder glass of claret, if a stranger press it upon him. He is a puzzle to the servants, who are fearful of being too obsequious, or not civil enough, to him. The guests think "they have seen him before." Everyone speculateth upon his condition; and the most part take him to be--a tide waiter. He calleth you by your Christian name, to imply that his other is the same with your own. He is too familiar by half, yet you wish he had less diffidence. With half the familiarity he might pass for a casual dependent; with more boldness he would be in no danger of being taken for what he is. He is too humble for a friend, yet taketh on him more state than befits a client. He is a worse guest than a country tenant, inasmuch as he bringeth up no rent--yet 'tis odds, from his garb and demeanour, that