How many minutes did this swoon last, or how many centuries? I do not
know. On recovering consciousness, one torturing thought dominated all
others,--that of removing every accusing sign. I washed my face, I
redressed myself, and--yes, I had the frightful courage,--I put the bed
and the room to rights. And, when that was done, I awoke the house; I
cried the terrible news through the house.
Oh! that night! That night I suffered all the tortures that hell
contains.
And this night here at the Priory reminds me of it. The storm is
raging, as it raged there the night when I began my work of destruction
on that poor flesh. And the roaring of the wind through the trees
in the garden sounds to me like the roaring of the sea against the
embankment of the forever-cursed Houlgate villa.
Upon our return to Paris, after M. Georges's funeral, I did not wish
to remain in the poor grandmother's service, in spite of her repeated
entreaties. I was in a hurry to go away, that I might see no more of
that tearful face,--that I might no longer hear the sobs that lacerated
my heart. And, above all, I was in a hurry to get away from her
gratitude, from the necessity which she felt, in her doting distress,
of continually thanking me for my devotion, for my heroism, of calling
me her "daughter, her dear little daughter," and of embracing me with
madly effusive tenderness. Many times during the fortnight in which
I consented to call upon her, in obedience to her request, I had an
intense desire to confess, to accuse myself, to tell her everything
that was lying so heavily on my soul and often stifling me. But what
would have been the use? Would it have given her any relief whatever?
It would simply have added a more bitter affliction to her other
afflictions, and the horrible thought and the inexpiable remorse that,
but for me, her dear child perhaps would not be dead. And then, I must
confess that I had not the courage. I left her house with my secret,
worshipped by her as if I were a saint, overwhelmed with rich presents
and with love.
Now, on the very day of my departure, as I was coming back from Mme.
Paulhat-Durand's employment-bureau, I met in the Champs-Elysées a
former comrade, a valet, with whom I had served for six months in the
same house. It was fully two years since I had seen him. After our
first greetings, I learned that he, as well as I, was looking for a
place. Only, having for the moment some nickel-plated extra jobs, he
was in no hurry to find one.
"This jolly Célestine!" he exclaimed, happy at seeing me again; "as
astonishing as ever!"
He was a good fellow, gay, full of fun, and fond of a good time. He
proposed:
"Suppose we dine together, eh?"
I needed to divert myself, to drive far away from me a multitude of sad
images, a multitude of obsessing thoughts. I accepted.
"Good!" he exclaimed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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