"'The first academic that appeared after the last report was the _desideratum graduatere_, or graduating fever. Twenty-seven were taken down. Symptoms, morality in the head,--dignity in the walk, --hints about graduating,--remarkable tendency to swell,--literary movement of the superior and inferior maxillary bones, &c., &c. Strictures on bleeding were first applied; then treating homoeopathically _similis similibus_, applied roots extracted, roots Latin and Greek, infinitesimal extracts of calculus, mathematical formulas, psychological inductions, &c., &c. No avail. Finally applied huge sheep-skin plasters under the axilla, with a composition of printers' ink, paste, paper, ribbons, and writing-ink besmeared thereon, and all were despatched in one short day. "'Sophomore Exhibition furnished many cases. One man hit by a Soph-bug, drove eye down into stomach, carrying with it brains and all inside of the head. In order to draw them back to their proper place, your Surgeon caused a leaf from Barnum's Autobiography to be placed on patient's head, thinking that to contain more true, genuine _suction_ than anything yet discovered. * * * * * "'Nebraska _cancers_ have appeared in our ranks, especially in Missouri division. Surgeon recommends 385 eighty-pounders be loaded to the muzzle, first with blank cartridges,--to wit, Frank Pierce and Stephen A. Douglas, Free-Soil sermons, Fern Leaves, Hot Corn, together with all the fancy literature of the day,--and cause the same to be fired upon the disputed territory; this would cause all the breakings out to be removed, and drive off everybody.' "The close of the report was as follows. It affected many even to tears. "'May you all remember your Surgeon, and may your thoracic duck ever continue to sail peacefully down the common carrotted arteries, under the keystone of the arch of the aorta, and not rush madly into the abominable cavity and eclipse the semi-lunar dandelions, nor, still worse, play the dickens with the pneumogastric nerve and auxiliary artery, reverse the doododen, upset the flamingo, irritate the _high-old-glossus_, and be for ever lost in the receptaculum chyli. No, no, but, &c. Yours feelingly, 'Dr. E.L.T.C.O., M.D.' "Dr. O., we notice, has added a new branch, that of dentistry, to his former accomplishments. By his new system, his customers are not obliged to undergo the pain of the operations in person, but, by merely sending their heads to him, can have everything done with a great decrease of trouble. From a calf's head thus sent in, the Doctor, after cutting the gums with a hay-cutter, and filing between the teeth with a wood-saw, skilfully extracted with a pair of blacksmith tongs a very great number of molars and incisors.