I seemed to waken as if from a long, troubled sleep. At first I was
merely conscious that I was awake, and I wondered how long I had slept.
Then I was glad I was awake, and that my confused and hateful dreams,
of which no distinct memory remained, had vanished. The only thing I
could recall concerning them was an indefinite and oppressive sense of
loss of some kind, at which I had vaguely and impotently protested.
I knew I was awake, and yet I felt too languid to open my eyes. I was
little more than barely conscious of existence, and I rather enjoyed
this negative condition of complete inertia. The thought floated
through my mind that I was like a new-born child, that knows nothing,
fears nothing, thinks nothing, but simply breathes, and I felt so tired
and "gone" that I coveted an age of mere respiration.
But thought slowly kindled in a weak, fitful fashion. I first became
slightly curious about myself. Why had I slept so profoundly? Why was I
so nerveless and stupid after such a sleep?
Instead of answering these questions, I weakly wandered off into
another train of thought. "My mind seems a perfect blank," I said to
myself. "I don't remember anything; I don't know where I am, and don't
much care; nor do I know what my experience will be when I fully rouse
myself. This is like beginning a new existence. What shall be the first
entry on the blank page of my wakening mind? Perhaps I had better rouse
up and see whether I am truly alive."
And yet I did not rise, but just lay still, heavy with a strange,
painless inertia, over which I puzzled in a vague, weak way.
At last I was sure I heard a child crying. Then there was a voice, that
I thought I had heard before, trying to hush and reassure the child,
and I began to think who they were, and yet I did not seem to care
enough to open my eyes to see.
I next heard something like a low sob near me, and it caused a faint
thrill among my sluggish nerves. Surely I had heard that sound before,
and curiosity so far asserted itself that I opened my eyes and looked
wonderingly around.
The room was unfamiliar, and yet I was certain I had seen it on some
previous occasion. Seated at a window, however, was a lady who soon
absorbed my whole weak and wavering attention. My first thought was:
"How very pretty she is!" Then, "What is she looking at so steadfastly
from the window?" After a moment I mentally laughed at my stupidity.
"She's looking at the sunset. What else should she be looking at? Can I
have slept all day?"
I saw her bosom heave with another convulsive sob, and that tears fast
followed each other down her cheeks. I seemed to have the power of
noting everything distinctly, but I couldn't understand or account for
what I saw. Who was that sweet-faced girl? Beyond a doubt I had seen
her before, but where? Why was she crying? Why was she in my room?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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