"It's a pity ye ordered the weddin' cake," said Annie. "Ye can gie it to the Mester to christen his bairn," suggested Janet. "It'll be ower big," said Gladys. "Aweel," retorted Janet, "he can gie the half o't to the Mester, and maybe the other half will do for Peter Mitchell's funeral." "What!" I cried, "is Peter dead?" "No exactly," said Janet hopefully, "but he's badly wi' the chronic, and he'll maybe dee." "That settles the question of the cake," I said, "but you have still to settle the question of Margaret." "She can marry Joe Simpson," suggested Ellen. "Aye," said Jean, "and she'll hae to work oot, and feed the three black swine. She wud be better to tak Dave Young, for he has only twa swine to feed." "Be an auld maid, Maggie," said Janet, "and keep a cat. A man's just a fair scutter onywve ... especially a delicate man that taks effielinza and lies in his bed. Ye'll be far better as an auld maid, Maggie. Ye'll no hae ony bairns, but bairns is just a nuisance." "I'll be an old maid then," said Margaret. "Now you've disposed of the cake and the lady," I said, "what is to become of me?" "You!" said Janet. "You can be an auld bachelor and live next door to Maggie, and she'll send a laddie ower wi' a bowl o' soup when she has soup to her dinner." "Aye," said Gladys, "and she'll wash yer sarks and mend yer socks for you." "Sounds as if I am to have all the joys of matrimony without its sorrows," I said. "I'm afraid, Margaret, that we'll have to get married after all. The other way is too expensive: we should require to pay the rent of two houses." "But," cried Annie, "if ye get married ye'll hae bairns to keep, and they'll cost mair than the rent o' two hooses!" "Then in Heaven's name what am I to do?" I cried in feigned perplexity. Janet took Margaret's hand and placed it in mine. "Just tak Maggie," she said sweetly; "and by the time ye hae bairns Aw'll maybe be marrit mysell, and Aw'll mak my man send ye a ham when he kills the swine." So I placed the ring on Margaret's finger and kissed her. Then I drew Janet's head down and kissed her too. "Eh!" cried Annie, "that's no fair!" "What do you mean?" I asked. "Ye've kissed Jan," she laughed, "and she'll maybe tak effielinza and--and get a holiday." Then I kissed Annie and the others three times, and they all went out laughing. The tears came into my eyes ... but then I was weak and ill. XVII. I object to the type of man who practises practical jokes. Young Mackenzie and Jim Brown have just played a nasty one on Willie Baffers, the village lunatic. Poor Willie invented a new aeroplane; he took an old solid-tyred boneshaker bicycle and fixed feathers to the spokes. Mackenzie and Brown inspected the invention, and told Willie that his fortune was as good as made.