But he turned out to be quite unable "to think up something" or "to
arrange matters." His mind was so accustomed to leaping unrestrainedly
from one fantastic subject to another, that the simplest problem of
workaday reality threw him off his balance. No sooner did he make an
effort to concentrate than a swarm of futile trifles attacked him from
all sides and shut actuality out from his consideration. A strange
stupor, a kind of mental and moral anæmia possessed his being. He was
constantly lured away from the hard realities of life to the pleasant
softness of phantoms, which he could shift and rearrange at will and
without any hindrance whatever.
He spent the entire day in solitude, for Yevpraksia did not make her
appearance at dinner or at evening tea. She stayed at the priest's
the entire time and returned late in the evening. Yudushka's distress
was extreme. He could not apply himself to any task, he even lost his
wonted interest in trifles. One irrepressible thought tormented him:
"I must somehow arrange matters, I must." He could not engage in idle
calculations, nor even say prayers. He felt that a strange ailment was
about to attack him. Many a time he halted before the window in the
hope of concentrating his wavering mind on something, or distracting
his attention, but all in vain.
It was early spring. The trees stood naked and the new grass had not
yet appeared. Black fields, spotted here and there with white cakes of
snow, stretched far away. The road was black and boggy and glittered
with puddles. Yudushka saw it all as through a mist. There was no
one round the rain-soaked servants' buildings, though all the doors
were ajar. Nor could he reach anyone in the manor-house, although he
constantly heard sounds as of doors banging in the distance. "How fine
it would be," he mused, "to turn invisible and overhear what the knaves
are saying about me. Do the rascals appreciate my favors or do they
return abuse for my kindness? You stuff their bellies from morning till
night, and still they squeal for more. Only the other day we opened a
barrel of pickled cucumbers, and----" But no sooner did his thoughts
embark upon the exploration of some fantastic subject, no sooner did
he began to calculate how many pickles the barrel held and how many
pickles one man could consume, than the piercing thought of Yevpraksia
brought him back to harsh reality and upset all his calculations.
"She went away without so much as saying a word to me," he reflected,
while his eyes scanned the distance, endeavoring to sight the priest's
house, in which Yevpraksia was in all probability chatting away at that
moment.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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