This was a favorite with Mark Twain. Whether he made it up or whether he had it from other sources and merely stood sponsor for it I have no way of knowing. Twain said that a Nantucket sailor fell in love with a girl in his home town. She objected to his habits but promised if he took the pledge she would consider his suit favorably. In his desire to win the young woman the suitor was willing to go farther even than that. He made application in the local Total Abstinence League, and on the same evening sailed on a whaling voyage. According to Clemons, he was gone nearly two years and during the entire time touched not a drop of strong drink. His mouth watered when the other members of the crew downed their grog allowances, but he, as befitting a good templar, stood fast. The voyage ended. The reformed one hurried to his sweetheart’s house to claim her hand. A shock awaited him. For eight months she had been the wife of a stay-at-home citizen. “But,” expostulated the poor sea-faring man, “you told me that if I would join that temperance lodge you’d be waiting for me when I got back.” “Oh,” said the young matron, “you never heard the news, did you?” “What news?” “That very night, about two hours after you sailed, you were blackballed.” § 260 Everything Happens for the Worst This one is dedicated to pessimists and is included in this book especially for their consideration. The setting is a country store. The proprietor is reading a newspaper which has just arrived from the city. Uncle Henry, the official grouch of the neighborhood, bites off a chew of tobacco and masticates it with a morose intensity. This done, he is moved to ask a question: “Ezra,” he says, addressing the storekeeper, “I persoom that durned paper is jest as dull to-night as ’tis every other night in the week. No news wuth tellin’, I reckin?” “Well,” says the proprietor, “there’s one item on the front page that’s sort of interestin’. It says here that a lot of those scientists all over the world are gettin’ together in a scheme to change the calendar and have thirteen months to the year instead of twelve.” Uncle Henry gives a low despairing moan: “It’ll be jest my luck for it to be a winter month an’ me plum’ out o’ fodder!” § 261 Spreading the Glad Tidings A gentleman who evidently thought well of himself entered a restaurant and with commanding mien beckoned the head-waiter to him. He ordered a seven course dinner, winding up with this instruction to the obsequious servitor: “Now, don’t forget to tell the cook that these things are for Colonel Brown—understand, Colonel Brown. Just mention my name to him and he’ll understand.” A person of mild aspect had been a witness to this. As the head-waiter turned over Colonel Brown’s order to an underling the mild man caught his eye. “Just a minute, please,” said the second patron. “I want to give an order, too. Got any fresh clams?” “Yes, sir, some very fine clams to-day.”