'But, unworthy as I am, should the feeling that I read in your eyes this
morning--how beautiful they were at that moment, and how I shall always
remember them!--should, I say, that feeling conquer your virtuous
indignation, should that sympathy with which you reproached yourself
still live in your heart, should you remain, in spite of yourself, the
woman who wept when she heard me confess my love and adoration--then I
conjure you, madame, to wrest some pity from that sympathy. Before
confirming the sentence to which I am quite ready to submit--that
terrible sentence never to see you more--let me ask you to put me to one
single proof. My request is so humble, and so subservient to your will.
Hear it, I beg. If I have guessed rightly from the all too short and
fleeting conversations we have had, your life, though apparently so
complete, is devoid of many things. Have you never felt the need of
having near you a friend to whom you could confide your troubles, a
friend who would never speak to you again as he once dared to do, but
who would be content to breathe the same air as yourself, and to share
your joys and sorrows--a friend on whom you could rely, whom you could
take or leave at your sweet will--in a word, a thing of your own, whose
very thoughts would be yours? Such a friend, with no desire beyond that
of serving you, regretting only that he has not always done so, and
entertaining no criminal hopes whatever, is what I dreamt of becoming
before that interview in which my feelings were stronger than my will.
And I feel that I love you sufficiently to realise that dream even now.
Nay, do not shake your head. I am sincere in my entreaties, sincere in
my determination never to utter a word which will make you repent your
forbearance if you decide to put me to this proof. Will it not be time
enough to banish me from your presence when you think me in danger of
breaking the promise I now make?
'My God! how empty my phrases seem! I tremble at the thought that you
will read these lines, and that is why I can scarcely write them. What
will your answer be? Will you call me back to that shrine in the Rue
Murillo where you have already been so kind and so full of indulgence
that the memory of the minutes spent there falls like balm upon my
aching heart? That poor heart beats only for you in obedient and humble
admiration. Say--oh! say that you forgive me. Say that you will let me
see you once more. Say that you will let us try to be friends. You would
say all this, I know, if you could read what is in my heart. And even if
you do not speak those blessed words, there shall be no murmuring, no
reproaches, nothing but eternal gratitude--gratitude as deep in
martyrdom as it would have been in ecstasy. I have learnt to-day how
sweet it is to suffer through those one loves!'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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