Adultery -- Fiction; French fiction -- 19th century
"Ah!" she said, "all is over--over! Ah! never again--! You do not know,
Armand, how I loved you, how I love you. Ah! why have I done what I did?
You see, I was like a madwoman. I could do nothing, I could do nothing
but love you. You were my whole life, my whole faith, all that to me was
noble and good. And then, suddenly, it all failed me! I have suffered so
greatly! I could always hear you saying those frightful words to me. It
was like a knife turning every moment in my heart. I wanted to forget
you, to forget myself, to destroy everything, unhappy woman! What have I
done? Why did I not come to entreat you to take me back again, to
believe in me? I should have found words to convince you. Now, all is
over. Do not touch me; I loathe myself."
And she freed herself, and repulsed him. He perceived that she had just
seen the other, her new lover. Then she went on passionately:
"No! tormentor! tormentor! 'Tis your fault. Yes, 'tis you who flung me
there. Had you any right to treat me so? Answer. What wrong had I done
you? When had I deceived you? Why did you doubt me? No, my love. 'Tis
you who are so good, so kind, whom I love so much. Forgive me! Forgive
me! Grief is killing me!"
Thus she lamented, revealing by the reciprocation of her alternately
reviling and loving utterances the incoherence of the feelings whose
tempest was shaking her. Then came relief from this frenzy, and she
said:
"Let me weep a little. It eases me. Do not speak to me. Presently."
And he left her side. How powerless he felt in presence of this outbreak
of despair. He began to pace backwards and forwards in the room, which
was being invaded by the melancholy of the twilight; and Helen's sobbing
had grown quite humble now, quite low, almost like that of a little
girl. Instead of the frantic rebellion that there had been at first,
there was a long sigh, ceaselessly broken and ceaselessly resumed, which
completed the young man's perturbation. He no longer tried to comfort
her, and he tried no more to contest the cruel evidence that had become
fixed within him, never more to leave him. Pity for such agony,
shivering horror at such irretrievable pollution, and the sight of the
cruel injustice which he had committed, blended together to torture him.
But what more than all beside overwhelmed him, and laid upon his heart a
weight which he could feel would thenceforward be irremovable, was the
feeling of his own terrible responsibility for the ruin of this woman.
What! it was through knowing him and loving him that the unhappy woman
had sunk so low! Helen's instinct had not deceived her; he could doubt
no longer. He believed her, and in all respects. He believed that she
had really loved him. He believed that before meeting him she had been
pure. He believed that frenzy at an iniquitous desertion had led her so
far astray as to throw her into the arms of another, and that he,
Armand, was the cause, the sole cause of it all. He continued to walk up
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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