It appeared one while as if I couldn't live
without him, and I was always contrivin' how I should meet up with him
somewhere else. I couldn't figure it out."
Hilbrook stopped, and swallowed dryly. Ewbert noticed how he had dropped
more and more into the vernacular, in these reminiscences; in their
controversies he had used the language of books and had spoken like a
cultivated man, but now he was simply and touchingly rustic.
"Well," he resumed, "that wore out, too. I went into business, and I
made money and I lost it. I went through all that experience, and I got
enough of it, just as I got enough of fightin'. I guess I was no worse
scared than the rest of 'em, but when it came to the end I'd 'bout made
up my mind that if there was another war I'd go to Canady; I was sick of
it, and I was sick of business even before I lost money. I lost pretty
much everything. Josiah--he was always a good enough friend of
mine--wanted me to start in again, and he offered to back me, but I said
no. I said if he wanted to do something for me, he could let me come
home and live on the old place, here; it wouldn't cost him anything like
so much, and it would be a safer investment. He agreed, and here I be,
to make a long story short."
Hilbrook had stiffened more and more, as he went on, in the sort of
defiance he had put on when he first began to speak of himself, and at
the end of his confidence Ewbert did not venture any comment. His
forbearance seemed to leave the old man freer to resume at the point
where he had broken off, and he did so with something of lingering
challenge.
"You asked me just now why I didn't think character, as we call it, gave
us some right to expect a life after this. Well, I'll try to tell you. I
consider that I've been the rounds, as you may say, and that I've got as
much character as most men. I've had about everything in my life that
most have, and a great deal more than some. I've seen that everything
wears out, and that when a thing's worn out it's for good and all. I
think it's reasonable to suppose that when I wear out it will be for
good and all, too. There isn't anything of us, as I look at it, except
the potentiality of experiences. The experiences come through the
passions that you can tell on the fingers of one hand: love, hate, hope,
grief, and you may say greed for the thumb. When you've had them, that's
the end of it; you've exhausted your capacity; you're used up, and so's
your character,--that often dies before the body does."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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