Nay, he was too humble to place himself beside them even in thought.
The utmost he could do, he knew, would be only expiation for what
seemed to him his ineffaceable sin in letting any human affection,
however harmless, unselfish, and distant, stain the singleness and
purity of his devotion to his vows. He had been but a fisher-boy, until
he had taken his tender heart and his ignorant mind to the seminary,
and he had been born with the soul of a San Rocco, of a S. John, out
of place, out of time, in the world he lived in; a soul in which the
passions of faith and of sacrifice were as strong as are the passions
of lust and of selfishness in other natures. The spiritual world was to
him a reality, and the earth, with its merciless and greedy peoples,
its plague of lusts, its suffering hearts, its endless injustice, an
unreal and hideous dream.
To his temper, the sacrifice which suddenly rose before him as his
duty, appeared one which would reconcile him at once to the Deity he
had offended, and the humanity he was tempted to betray. To his mind,
enfeebled and exhausted by long fasting of the body and denial of every
natural indulgence, such sacrifice of self seemed an imperious command
from heaven. He would drag out his own life in misery, and obloquy,
indeed, but what of that? Had not the great martyrs and founders of his
Church endured as much or more? Was it not by such torture, voluntarily
accepted and endured on earth, that the grace of God was won?
He would tell a lie, indeed; he would draw down ignominy on the name
of the Church; he would make men believe that an anointed priest was
a common murderer, swayed by low and jealous hatreds; but of this he
did not think. In the tension and perplexity of his tortured soul, the
vision of a sacrifice in which he would be the only sufferer, in which
the woman would be saved, and the secret told to him be preserved,
appeared as a heaven-sent solution of the doubts and difficulties in
his path. Stretched in agonised prayer before one of the side altars of
the cathedral, he imagined the afternoon sunbeams streaming through
the high window on his face to be the light of a celestial world, and
in the hush and heat of the incense-scented air, he believed that he
heard a voice which cried to him, 'By suffering all things are made
pure.'
He was not a wise, or strong, or educated man. He had the heart of a
poet, and the mind of a child. There was a courage in him to which
sacrifice was welcome, and there was a credulity in him which made all
exaggeration of simple faith possible. He was young and ignorant and
weak; yet at the core of his heart there was a dim heroism: he could
suffer and be mute, and in the depths of his heart he loved this woman
better than himself, with a love which in his belief made him accursed
for all time.
When he at last arose and went out of the church doors, his mind was
made up to the course that he would take; an immense calm had descended
upon the unrest of his soul.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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