ERG. I was an ass when I talk'd so: Those damned books of chastity I read In my minority corrupted me; but since I'm practis'd in the world, I find there are No greater libertines than married men. 'Tis true 'twas dangerous, this knot, in the First age, when it was a crime to break vows: But, thanks to Venus, the scene is alter'd, And we act other parts. I'll tell thee The privileges we enjoy when we are married. First, our secrecy is held authentic, which is Assurance will take up any woman At interest, that is not peevish; then th' acquaintance which our wives bring us, to whom at times I carry my wife's commendations; and if their husbands be not at home, I do commend myself. CLE. For what, I prythee? ERG. For a good dancer, a good rider, a good ----, anything that I think will please 'em. CLE. Thou'lt have a damnable conceit of thy wife, by thy knowledge and opinion of all other women, unless you think her a ph[oe]nix. ERG. 'Twill be my best resolution. But hark in thy ear, rogue: I could be content to think, and wish mine and all for the public good, and wear my horns with as much confidence, as the best velvet-head of 'em all, and paint them in my crest with this inscription _These he deserved for his love to_ _the commonwealth_. CLE. A rare fame you would purchase! ERG. A more lasting one than any monument you can repeat the epitaph of; and would it not be glorious to be commemorated as the first founder of the commonalty of undisparaged cuckolds? CLE. Yes, and prayed for by bastards, that got better fathers than they were destined to by their mothers' marriages. ERG. And cursed by surgeons that were undone by honest women's practices. CLE. And this done voluntarily, which you will hardly avoid, though you have a thousand guards to prevent it. I, that have been your playfellow, shall be first suspected, and first banished. ERG. By Jupiter, never! No, though 'twould preserve a thousand smooth foreheads. If she be honest, your arts cannot alter her; and if otherwise, had I not rather adopt a son of thine than a stranger's? And confess truly, Cleon: would you not for this public benefit be content to sacrifice a sister, that we might love no longer by obligations, but affection; and seeing, liking, and enjoying, finished in a meeting. CLE. Unless I had means to appropriate one, you cannot suspect but I should wish a title unto all. But what hopes have you of your mistress? ERG. No airy ones of liking and affection; but mine are built on _terra firma_ already, which her father looks on greedily, and proportions this to that grandchild, to the second this.