And blank looked the life before him. He had suffered himself to dwell
upon the thought of a naval or military career until it had become
a part of his life. He foresaw that the same strange weakness on
his mother’s part which kept him from joining the navy might keep
him out of the army. True, if there should be war between the French
and English in the Northwest it would be his duty to defend his
country, and no pleadings could keep him back then; but that was only
a contingency. And, in any event, he could not again ask the help, in
getting a commission, of the only persons who could serve him--his
brother Laurence and Lord Fairfax--after this unfortunate ending of
his first attempt. And, worst of all, he was not sure that he was
right, and he was very sure his mother was wrong. That of itself was
a staggering blow. He had always fancied his mother perfect, and her
weakness, her blind partiality for him over the rest of her children,
at once shattered his ideal. She was a true and devoted mother, but in
a great emergency she showed a tender unwisdom that seemed foreign to
her character. George did not love her any the less for this, but he
realized that after this he must think and act for himself. She had not
thought of how far he was committed in the matter, or that his brother
Laurence might be justly offended at his course--she only thought of
the anguish of giving him up. It was all hard and inscrutable to the
boy, sitting with rigid face and dry eyes, gazing before him and
seeing nothing. He did not know how long he sat there. He heard Betty’s
light step and lighter tap upon the door, and she called him, softly,
through the keyhole.
“Go away, dear Betty,” answered George; “I can’t see anybody just now.”
It seemed to him days, not hours, before he heard the bell for dinner.
He gathered himself together and went down-stairs. Betty almost cried
out when she saw him, he was so haggard. His mother saw it too, and
it made her heart ache; but in her heart she felt that it was better
to have him as he was than to say good-bye to him forever, which she
was firmly persuaded would be the case had he gone in the navy. Madam
Washington, being naturally a woman of great integrity, was not at ease
in her mind. She had not forgotten the light in which she would appear
before Laurence Washington and Lord Fairfax. She read again and again
that letter from Joseph Ball, which George had appalled her by calling
both ignorant and foolish. She had been taught to think brother Joseph
a monument of wisdom; but she was not so sure of it after having acted
on his advice in this great event.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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