That night when I heard him stamping off the snow in the hall, I had a
hot drink for him, but when I saw him, by the rakish light of the hall
lamp, wringing his hands with the cold before taking it, I insisted he
should come on into my still warm room. I had to turn back first to
light my own lamp and, in respect to my being in my dressing gown with
my hair in two braids, to slip into my bedroom and experience, as I
looked back at him through the crack in the door, the kind of softening
a woman has toward a man she has made comfortable. The light of my lamp,
which was shaded for reading, like a miniature calcium, brought out for
me the frayed edge of his overcoat and all the waste and misuse of him,
the kind of faded appeal that sort of man has for a woman; forlorn as he
was, as he put the bowl back on the table, I was so much more forlorn
myself that I was glad to have been femininely of use to him.
Pauline wrote me to come out and stay with her during the protracted
cold spell, but owing to the difficulty in delivery, the invitation
failed to reach me until the severity of the weather was abated. In any
case I was still too sore at what seemed to me the betrayal of my long
confidence, to have been willing to have subjected myself to any
reminders of it. And whatever kindness Pauline meant, it could hardly
have done so much for me as Leon Griffin did by just needing me. It
transpired that he had no stove in his room, and the heat from the
register for which we were definitely charged in the rent, scarcely
modified the edge of the cold. For the next two or three days we spent
much of the time huddled over my stove. Snow ceased to fall on the
second day, and nothing moved in our view except now and then the
surface of it was flung up by the wind, falling again fountain-wise
into the waste of the untrampled housetops that stretched from my window
to the icy flat of the lake darkening under a dour horizon. Somehow,
though I had never been willing to confess to my friends how poor I was,
I made no bones of it with Griff, as I had heard Cecelia call him, a
name that seemed somehow to suit the inconsequential nature of our
relation better than his proper title. We frankly pooled our funds in
the matter of food, which one or another of us slipped out to buy, and
cooked on my stove. I took an interest in preparing it, such as I
hadn't since the times when I imagined I was helping Tommy on the way to
growing rich, and when the room was full of a warm savoury smell and the
table pulled out from the wall to make it serve for two, we felt, for
the time, restored to the graciousness of living. We fell back on the
uses of domesticity, by association providing us with a sense of life
going on in orderliness and stability. It came out for me in these
moments that it is after all life, that Art needs rather than feeling,
and that, to a woman of my capacity, was to be supplied not by innocuous
intrigues like Jerry's but by the normal procedure of living.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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