'There are two ways in which a mother can be of use to her daughter: the
one is by instilling into her mind virtuous principles, and by setting
her a virtuous example: the other is, by being to her in her own person
an awful warning, a melancholy proof of the dangers which attend a
deviation from the path of virtue. But, oh! how jealous must a mother be
of her child's esteem and veneration! and how could she bear to humble
herself in the eyes of the beloved object, by avowing that she had
committed crimes against society, however atoned for by penitence and
sorrow! I can never, now, be a correct example for my Editha, nor could
I endure to live to be a warning to her.--Nay, if I lived, I should
be most probably a dangerous example to her; for I should be (on my
death-bed I think I may be allowed the boast) respected and esteemed;
while the society around me would forget my past errors, in the
sincerity of my repentance.
'If then a strong temptation should assail my child, might she not yield
to it from an idea that "one false step may be retrieved," and cite her
mother as an example of this truth? while, unconscious of the many
secret heart-aches of that repentant mother, unconscious of the sorrows
and degradations she had experienced, she regarded nothing but the
present respectability of her mother's life, and contented herself with
hoping one day to resemble her.
'Believe me, that were it possible for me to choose between life and
death, for my child's sake, the choice would be the latter. Now, when
she shall see in my mournful and eventful history, written as it has
been by me in moments of melancholy leisure, that all my sorrows were
consequent on one presumptuous error of judgment in early youth, and
shall see a long and minute detail of the secret agonies which I have
endured, those agonies wearing away my existence, and ultimately
hurrying me to an untimely grave; she will learn that the woman who
feels justly, yet has been led even into the practice of vice, however
she may be forgiven by others, can never forgive herself; and though she
may dare to lift an eye of hope to that Being who promises pardon on
repentance, she will still recollect with anguish the fair and glorious
course which she might have run: and that, instead of humbly imploring
forbearance and forgiveness, she might have demanded universal respect
and esteem.
'True it is, that I did not act in defiance of the world's opinion, from
any depraved feeling, or vicious inclinations: but the world could not
be expected to believe this, since motives are known only to our own
hearts, and the great Searcher of hearts: therefore, as far as example
goes, I was as great a stumbling-block to others as if the life I led
had been owing to the influence of lawless desires; and society was
right in making, and in seeing, no distinction between me and any other
woman living in an unsanctioned connexion.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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