During the night fever set in, and Costantino was racked by hideous
dreams, painful memories of the past, tempests of anger, mingled with
physical suffering. How long he lay in this condition he could never
remember, only he recollected hearing the steady drip, drip of the water
as it fell into the saucepan, the beating of the rain on the roof, and
the long sob of the wind as it swept about the deserted house. In the
intervals of the fever, when he would arouse from the lethargy that
weighed him down, he was conscious of sharp, shooting pains through all
his limbs, similar to those he had felt in prison on awaking after a
feverish night; and also of a savage, animal desire to do some harm, to
fling himself on some one or some thing, and bite, and tear, and
destroy. Another day and night went by. The rain was falling more
heavily than ever, and that steady, inexorable drip, drip had at last
filled and overflowed the saucepan. Between cold and starvation
Costantino had almost come to the end of his forces. Once he was visited
by a horrid illusion. He thought that a mad dog had thrown him down and
bitten him in the stomach. He awoke shaking, and could not throw the
idea off; perhaps he had been bitten by a mad dog, and this was
hydrophobia! Towards evening the storm died down, though the rain did
not cease entirely. Then, suddenly, he felt that he was dying; he had no
sense of rebellion now; all that was over; he seemed to have lost even
the power to care. To die, to die--Why should he want to go on living?
Everything both within him and about him was black and void. Through all
his fever-ridden dreams one idea had remained persistently by him--that
he was about to commit a crime. Now it was Aunt Martina whom he was on
the point of stabbing; then some one else; but in the intervals of
consciousness he realised that should he live, should he once more find
himself burdened with the dolorous gift of existence, while he would not
even attempt to resist the secret force that was urging him on, it would
matter little against whom his fury expended itself; it might be Aunt
Martina, or Brontu, or some one else. But then--then--deep down in his
soul he could never rid himself of a sense of terror of _what would
happen afterwards_. Yes; he wanted to die, so as to suffer no more and
to be saved from becoming a murderer.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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