At her words, most innocent as they are of any intention of producing
such an effect, a hot flush of shame rises to his very forehead, as his
memory presents to him the successive eras into which these eight good
years had divided themselves: six months of headlong boyish passion; six
months of cooling fever; and seven years of careless, intermittent,
matter-of-course, half-tenderness.
"Through _me_?" he repeats, with an accent of the deepest
self-abasement; "you do not mean to be ironical, dear; you were never
such a thing in your life; you could not be if you tried; but if you
knew what a _sweep_ you make me feel when you say the sort of thing you
have just said!--and so it is all to come to an end, is it? Good as
these eight years have been, you have had enough of them? You do not
want any more like them?"
She says neither yes nor no. He remains unanswered, unless the faint
smile in her weary eyes and about her drooped mouth can count for a
reply.
"And all because you have heard some fool say that I was tired of you?"
The tight smile spreads a little wider, and invades her pale cheeks.
"Worse than tired! _sick! sick to death!_"
She is looking straight before her, at the landscape simmering in the
climbing sun, the divine landscape new and young as it was before duomo
and bell-tower sprang and towered heavenwards. Why should her gaze dwell
any more upon him? She has renounced him, her eyes must fain renounce
him too. As he hears her words, as he watches her patient profile, the
sole suffering thing in the universal morning joy, a great revulsion of
feeling, a great compassion mixed with as large a remorse pours in
torrent over his heart. These emotions are so strong that they make him
deceive even himself as to their nature. It seems to him as if scales
had suddenly fallen from his eyes, showing him how profoundly he prizes
the now departing good, telling him that life can neither ask nor give
anything better than the undemanding, selfless, boundless love about to
withdraw its shelter from him. His arm steals round her waist, and not
once does it flash across his mind--as, to his shame be it spoken, it
has often flashed before--what a long way it has to steal!
"Am I sick of you, Amelia?"
She makes no effort to release herself. It does him no harm that she
should once more rest within his clasp. But she still looks straight
before her at lucent Firenze and her olives, and says three times,
accompanying each repetition of the word with a sorrowful little
head-shake:
"Yes! _yes!_ YES!"
He will compel her to look at him, his own Amelia. Have not all her
tender looks been his for eight long years? He puts out his disengaged
hand, and with it determinately turns her poor quivering face round so
as to meet his gaze.
"Am I sick of you, Amelia?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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