One of the reasons, though not the sole or even the main one, of
Burgoyne's visit to Algiers is that the Wilson family are wintering
there. And yet he dreads the meeting with them inexpressibly. When they
last parted, immediately after having stood together round Amelia's open
grave, they had all been at a high pressure of emotion, and of
demonstrative affectionateness, which nothing in their tastes, habits,
or natures could possibly make continuous. He has a horrible fear that
they will expect to take up their relations at the same point at which
he had left them. He would do it if he could, but he feels that it is
absolutely impossible to him. The door of that room in his memory which
is labelled "Amelia" is for ever locked. It is only in deepest silence
and solitude that he permits himself now and again to turn the key and
sparely and painfully look in. How will he bear it if they insist on
throwing the portals wide, dragging its disused furniture to the light,
rummaging in its corners?
He sleeps ill on this, his first night of Africa; and even when at
length he succeeds in losing importunate consciousness, he is teased by
absurd yet painful dreams, in which Amelia and Elizabeth jostle each
other impossibly with jumbled personalities and changed attributes.
Extravagant as his visions are, they have yet such a solid vividness
that, at his first waking, he feels a strange sense of unsureness as to
which of the two women that have beset his pillow is the dead, and which
the living one. In dreams, how often our lost ones, and those whom we
still possess, take hands together on equal terms! Even when he is wide
awake, nay more, dressed and breakfasted, that feeling of uncertainty,
that something akin to the
"Blank misgivings of a creature,
Moving about in worlds not realized,"
remains strong enough to drive him once again to the list of visitors in
the entrance-hall, in order to assure himself that his brain has not
been the dupe of his eye.
M. Cipriani has been as good as his word. The corrected list, promised
overnight, has replaced the incomplete one, and almost the first names
that Jim's eye alights upon are those of "Mr., Mrs., and Miss Le
Marchant, England." His own name immediately follows, and he takes as a
good augury what is merely an accident due to the fact of his room and
theirs being on one floor. Elizabeth is, beyond question, beneath the
same roof as himself; nay, even now she may probably be sunning herself
like a white pigeon on that terrace, whose red tiles he sees shining in
the morning sun through an open side-door.
The thought is no sooner formed than he follows whither it leads him;
but she is not on the terrace; and though a moment ago his nerves were
tingling at the thought of speech with her, yet he is conscious of a
feeling of relief that their meeting is, for the moment, deferred. What
can he say to her? What can she say to him?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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