Essays; Humorous stories, American; Short stories; United States -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
This Man Rogers happened upon me and introduced himself at the town of
-----, in the South of England, where I stayed awhile. His stepfather
had married a distant relative of mine who was afterward hanged; and so
he seemed to think a blood relationship existed between us. He came
in every day and sat down and talked. Of all the bland, serene human
curiosities I ever saw, I think he was the chiefest. He desired to look
at my new chimney-pot hat. I was very willing, for I thought he would
notice the name of the great Oxford Street hatter in it, and respect
me accordingly. But he turned it about with a sort of grave compassion,
pointed out two or three blemishes, and said that I, being so recently
arrived, could not be expected to know where to supply myself. Said he
would send me the address of his hatter. Then he said, “Pardon me,” and
proceeded to cut a neat circle of red tissue paper; daintily notched the
edges of it; took the mucilage and pasted it in my hat so as to cover
the manufacturer's name. He said, “No one will know now where you got
it. I will send you a hat-tip of my hatter, and you can paste it over
this tissue circle.” It was the calmest, coolest thing--I never admired
a man so much in my life. Mind, he did this while his own hat sat
offensively near our noses, on the table--an ancient extinguisher of
the “slouch” pattern, limp and shapeless with age, discolored by
vicissitudes of the weather, and banded by an equator of bear's grease
that had stewed through.
Another time he examined my coat. I had no terrors, for over my tailor's
door was the legend, “By Special Appointment Tailor to H. R. H. the
Prince of Wales,” etc. I did not know at the time that the most of
the tailor shops had the same sign out, and that whereas it takes nine
tailors to make an ordinary man, it takes a hundred and fifty to make a
prince. He was full of compassion for my coat. Wrote down the address
of his tailor for me. Did not tell me to mention my nom de plume and the
tailor would put his best work on my garment, as complimentary people
sometimes do, but said his tailor would hardly trouble himself for an
unknown person (unknown person, when I thought I was so celebrated in
England!--that was the cruelest cut), but cautioned me to mention his
name, and it would be all right. Thinking to be facetious, I said:--
“But he might sit up all night and injure his health.”
“Well, let him,” said Rogers; “I've done enough for him, for him to show
some appreciation of it.”
I might as well have tried to disconcert a mummy with my facetiousness.
Said Rogers: “I get all my coats there--they're the only coats fit to be
seen in.”
I made one more attempt. I said, “I wish you had brought one with you--I
would like to look at it.”
“Bless your heart, haven't I got one on?--this article is Morgan's
make.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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