THE MERRY CONCEITS OF TOM LONG THE CARRIER Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which he observed in his Travels. _Full of Honest Mirth and Delight._ Of all the Toms that ever yet was named, Was ever any Tom like Tom Long framed? Tom Tram, who now as many mad pranks shows, Unto Tom Long will prove a mere goose. Tom Thumb is dumb, until the pudding creep, In which he was entomb'd, then out doth peep; Tom Fool may go to school, but ne'er be taught, Such rare conceits with which Tom Long is fraught. Tom Ass may pass, but only for his ears, No such rich jewels as our Tom Long he wears; Tom Tell-truth is but froth, but truth to tell, From all these Toms, Tom Long doth bear the bell. CHAPTER I. _How Tom Long at first set up the trade of being a Carrier, and where he took up his Lodging._ Tom Long, the subject of this discourse, having spent some few years like a wandering Jew, oft visiting the coasts of Essex and Kent, where he did many notable exploits, sometimes cheating the calves-heads of their money, by the virtue of hocus pocus, having learned the art of legerdemain. Other times he used, as opportunity served, to rob the hen-roost. At last, his cheating tricks were so well known, that the country kicked him out like a knave as he was, and he was willing to be gone as they to be rid of him, soon gave them three slips for a teaster, and travelled towards Gotham, where he, well knowing what wit those wise men had in their noddles, took up his abode near the place where the men made a hedge to keep in the cuckoo all the year. Not long after, he set up his trade of being a carrier; under pretence of which he with ease played his pranks, and the wisdom of these men was such, that he cheated them of all, and yet the fools had no mistrust of him. And having set him up, he found great store of small doings, and above all others, the men of Gotham and Dunstable would employ him; who, being more knave than fool, ever advised some cheating trick or other to gull those idiots; for let him go out ever so full, he would be sure to come home empty, telling them one mischance or other had befallen him. He took up his lodging at the sign of the Whip and Egg-Shell in Thieving Lane, not far from Charing Cross, where Dunstable men are sure to find him; if not, they may go into Turn-again Lane, and come back again as wise as they went in. CHAPTER II. _How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man upon the way, with what happened to them, and how they were entertained by an Hostess._