Communism -- Hungary; Hungary -- History -- Revolution, 1918-1919 -- Personal narratives; Tormay, Cécile, 1876-1937 -- Diaries
Suddenly I found myself standing on both feet, and thus I noticed that
the crowd had diminished. At every small station someone got off and
there were no new passengers. Now one could look through the window into
the corridor of the carriage preceding ours. A young man in a fur coat
sat there smoking; he wore a soft hat and his face was flushed with the
cold. For a time I looked at him indifferently; then suddenly I began to
feel uneasy. I didn’t want to see him, yet I felt my eyes attracted by
him. My apprehensions steadily increased: I was angry with myself, it
was all imagination! But if this man should be searching for me?...
We reached the station which serves Berczel: I had left it twelve hours
earlier, in the morning. How tired I had become since then! The door of
the next carriage opened suddenly and the man in the fur coat jumped on
to the platform and strode towards the stationmaster’s office. He was
searching for me! I was as convinced of it as if somebody had told me.
He was going to Berczel and he would not find me there! I felt
incredibly happy. He had but to turn his head.... Good-night, comrade!
Good luck! All sorts of mocking words came to my mind and I felt like
making faces at him.
Passengers elbowed their way past me and several got out. The door
remained open and the cold streaming in brought me to my senses. I
turned my back to the door and looked at the path wending its way across
the green squares of fields and meadows. Suddenly I felt as if something
had struck me on the chest: the man in the short fur coat was standing
in the door looking at me! He was resting his chin in his hand and held
his head a little on one side as if he were trying to remember
something. Every drop of blood left my face. Without thinking,
instinctively, in self-defence, I turned to the opposite window. But I
could not see the landscape, everything was blurred before my eyes.
How long did it last? I only know that I felt as if something had
vanished behind me. The minutes seemed to gather into masses and fall
into hollow space. I felt I was falling with them. Good God, how long is
this to last? Let him clutch me by the shoulders, if he likes, let him
arrest me, but let something happen, let the suspense come to an end!
Then I began to take heart: after all, what does it matter now? At least
let the scoundrels see that I am not afraid. I pulled myself up, as high
as I could, and forced a smile to my lips.
The train started and the shock banged the door to. Was it possible? For
an instant I felt the reckless delight of salvation sweep through me: I
breathed freely: I scolded and cheered myself mentally. Poor fool, how
could you have such delusions! Then the whole carriage reeled before my
eyes: the man in the short fur coat was sitting on a box next to me! He
was sitting there with his knees drawn up like a mischievous imp.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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