An outline of humor: Being a true chronicle from prehistoric ages to the twentieth century
History
An outline of humor: Being a true chronicle from prehistoric ages to the twentieth century
Wit and humor
_Prince Henry._ Thou art so fat-witted with drinking of old
sack, and unbuttoning thee after supper, and sleeping upon benches
after noon, that thou hast forgotten to demand that truly which thou
wouldst truly know. What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the
day? Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks
the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping-houses, and the
blessed sun himself a fair hot wench in flame-colored taffata, I see no
reason why thou should’st be so superfluous to demand the time of the
day.
_Falstaff._ Indeed, you come near me now, Hal; for we that take
purses, go by the moon and seven stars; and not by Phœbus--he, “that
wand’ring knight so fair.” And, I pray thee, sweet wag, when thou art
king, as God save thy grace (majesty I should say; for grace thou wilt
have none)--
_Prince Henry._ What! none?
_Falstaff._ No, by my troth; not so much as will serve to be
prologue to an egg and butter.
_Prince Henry._ Well, how then? come, roundly, roundly.
_Falstaff._ Marry, then, sweet wag, when thou art king, let not us
that are squires of the night’s body, be called thieves of the day’s
beauty; let us be--Diana’s foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions
of the moon: and let men say, we be men of good government; being
governed, as the sea is, by our noble and chaste mistress the moon,
under whose countenance we--steal.
_Prince Henry._ Thou say’st well, and it holds well, too; for the
fortune of us, that are the moon’s men, doth ebb and flow like the sea;
being governed as the sea is, by the moon. As, for proof, now, a purse
of gold most resolutely snatched on Monday night, and most dissolutely
spent on Tuesday morning; got with swearing--_lay by_; and spent
with crying--_bring in_; now, in as low an ebb as the foot of the
ladder; and, by and by, in as high a flow as the ridge of the gallows.
_Falstaff._ By the Lord, thou say’st true, lad. And is not my
hostess of the tavern a most sweet wench?
_Prince Henry._ As the honey of Hybla, my old lad of the castle.
And is not a buff jerkin a most sweet robe of durance?
_Falstaff._ How now, how now, mad wag? what, in thy quips and thy
quiddities? what a plague have I to do with a buff jerkin?
_Prince Henry._ Why, what a pox have I to do with my hostess of
the tavern?
_Falstaff._ Well, thou hast called her to a reckoning many a time
and oft.
_Prince Henry._ Did I ever call for thee to pay thy part?
_Falstaff._ No, I’ll give thee thy due, thou hast paid all there.
_Prince Henry._ Yea, and elsewhere, so far as my coin would
stretch; and where it would not I have used my credit.
_Falstaff._ Yea, and so used it, that, were it not here apparent
that thou art heir apparent,--But, I pr’ythee, sweet wag, shall there
be gallows standing in England when thou art king? and resolution thus
fobbed as it is, with the rusty curb of old father antic the law? Do
not thou, when thou art king, hang a thief.
_Prince Henry._ No; thou shalt.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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