I knew Father for seventeen years of my life, especially closely during our imprisonment, when we were together almost every minute of the day. His refusal to save himself and his family at the expense of Russia should be proof enough of his strength and character. When Moscow pressured him, Father with deep emotion said, “My family and I will never agree to what they ask me to do, no matter what happens. Anything they have to say, they should say to me and leave my family out of it. They have taken everything away from them, their youth and freedom, but none of them will yield to German spies and convicts who do not represent Russia, and will never forsake the Russian people.” Father suspected the final outcome. He knew Moscow’s intentions of discrediting him before his people, but he stood firm in his refusal. Even in the hour of danger, he respected his high morals and obligations. Most of the conversation was conducted through Dr. Botkin. Father seldom came in contact with these men. It may have been during these conversations that Dr. Botkin said to Father, “When I needed your help you were very kind to me, and I have made my mind up never to leave you as long as I am needed.” Now all the hope of freedom vanished, and I often in despair pressed my body against the damp wall that held us prisoners, wondering if ever we would see the sunshine break through this wall again. XXVI FEAR AND DREAD After the incident with Yurovsky over the intercepted letters, almost overnight Mother’s hair turned white. She became weak and could hardly walk without leaning on someone’s arm. Even when prayer bolstered her spirit, her hands shook and her voice faded into a whisper. For one month she suffered untold agony, refusing to believe that we had been betrayed. Yet she said, “It is God’s Will.” In these words we could sense her craving for the Holy Communion which brought her the calmness of God’s spirit. Father would look at her and turn his face aside so that his falling tears would not be seen. It was his quiet way of bearing himself that carried along the rest of us. He dropped his head, but not for long. Once more he would hold himself erect, determined to look beyond these cruel conditions to the time when Russia would once more believe in him and repent. For each other’s sake we tried again and went through each day with renewed faith in God and hope for the morrow.