In a moment he went on, “It is becoming too dangerous to remain here. We must go away, but first you must accustom yourself to the outdoors. Ahead of us is a long, strenuous journey. We dare not risk the daylight, so the trip must be made after dark. Tonight will be a starter. Tomorrow we will see you again.” XXX RECOVERY I was dismissed. It was over. I was not to be killed. My body throbbed with gladness. The woman was standing beside me. She led me to the door and out into the open night. The air was sweet and fresh, so noticeable after being accustomed for so long to musty air. I breathed deeply to refresh my whole being. It was so long since the last time I had seen the night all lighted up with golden stars so near and yet so far. This was the most beautiful night and the saddest one I could remember. The horizon seemed to be far away, sad and quiet as if the world were in a deep slumber. But probably this very minute some one was facing a death sentence. A heavy stone lay on my soul. I could find no consolation. Never will I see them again. My sisters fresh as rosebuds, in the very morning of their lives, and now withered away before they even blossomed, their youthful faces now covered with the cold earth, vanished completely and forever before my very eyes. My heart was aflame with a grief that was tearing my soul. Were these the same stars which looked down on us at Tsarskoe Selo? At Livadia? The same as on our cruises, when Father’s stories about the heavens seemed so real? Father could see them no more; nor Mother, nor sisters, nor my brother Alexei. Knowing that their eyes were closed forever, filled me with a loneliness I could not bear. How could the stars go on shining as if nothing had happened? How could the air be so sweet and fresh when such foulness had taken place? If my family could not breathe this fresh air, how could I? And how could I gaze on this heavenly grandeur? All about me reminded me of my family. I had no more tears but I cried inwardly. I lost my balance. I collapsed on the ground. The man and the woman were watching me. They rushed to help me to my feet, and back into the house and down the ladder. Again I sank into the damp earthiness of my tiny room, thankful for its darkness. Here I felt closer to my family. Outside the stars could sparkle, the air could be fresh, but inside the contrast could not flaunt itself before me. I need not look at a world untouched by our tragedy. In the middle of the night I awoke to find myself walking about my dugout. I was completely confused, with no idea of where I was. My bare feet sank into the soft dirt. At last my foot touched the straw rug which led me to my bed, and in bed was still the welcoming warmth of the stone wrapped in a cloth.