There were no conditions to which he was not ready to subscribe--
I replied, too much readiness denoted too little reflection; and not
fortitude sufficient to fulfil such conditions.
Fortitude could never fail him, having me not only for an example but a
reward. Again he repeated, without my promise, my sacred promise, he
really and seriously feared distraction! That this was weakness he was
ready to allow: but if it were true, and true it was, should I want
love, I yet had too much benevolence not to desire to avert
consequences which, beyond all others, are horrible to imagination.
He has surely very considerable knowledge of the human heart; for his
tone and manner produced all the effect he intended. I had foreseen the
probability of such a request, though not all the urgency with which it
was made, and had argued the question of right and wrong. My conclusion
had been that such a promise, with certain provisos, was a duty; and
accordingly I gave it; stipulating power to retract, should experience
teach us that our minds and principles could not assimilate.
At first he was not satisfied. Intreaties the most importunate that
language could supply were repeated, that I should make no such
exceptions. They were impossibilities; needless, but tormenting.
Finding however that I was resolved, he softened into acquiescence,
thanked me with all the transports which might be expected from him,
and kissed my hand. He would not have been so satisfied, had I not very
seriously repulsed the encroaching freedoms which I had lately found
him assuming; since which he is become more guarded.
What latent inconsistency is there, Louisa, in my conduct, which can
incite the alarms to which I feel myself subject? The moment I had made
the promise I shuddered; and, while acting from the strongest sense of
duty, and the most ardent desire of doing good, I felt as if the act
were reprehensible and unjust.--It is the words of Frank that are the
cause: on them my mind dwells, and painfully repeats them, as if in a
delirium: like a singing in the ear, the tolling of death-bells, or the
burthen of some tragic ditty, which memory, in its own despite, harps
upon, and mutters to itself!--'_He is certain that I act from mistaken
principles!--To the end of time he shall persist in thinking me his by
right!_'
There must be something amiss, something feeble in my mind, since the
decision of reason cannot defend me from the awe which this surely too
hasty, too positive assertion inspires! It haunts my very dreams!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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