The close companionship with his fellow-passengers on the small steamer,
the compulsion he was under to listen to their jokes and to the
superficial, reiterated tale of the disaster made Frederick inwardly
impatient. Unlike the others, he had not yet recovered his old relation
to life. His soul was numbed. He had lost his feeling for the past, his
feeling for the future, even his passion for Ingigerd. The moment of the
catastrophe seemed to have snapped all the threads that bound him to the
events, men, and things of his former life. Whenever he looked upon
Ingigerd, he felt an oppressive consciousness of responsibility. In these
days it almost seemed as if the girl in her predominatingly soft, serious
mood were awaiting the declaration of his love.
"You all want to have fun with me," she once said, "but nobody wants
anything serious of me."
Frederick did not understand himself. Hahlstroem was no longer living,
Achleitner had had to pay the penalty of his undignified, dog-like love,
and the girl, shaken and refined to the depths of her being, was wax in
his hands. Often he would look at her to find that her eyes had been
fixed upon him in a long, grave, meditative gaze. Then he would seem to
himself a very sorry sort of person, and was compelled to admit that he
who had once wished to overwhelm the girl with the infinite riches of a
passionately loving soul, was a bankrupt, groping with empty hands in
empty pockets. He ought to speak, ought to open the sluices on the other
side of which the flood of his passionate love must have gathered and
risen high; but all the waters had trickled away, all the sources had
dried up. To mask the aridity of his soul, he adopted his old method of
a curt, dictatorial manner.
LVIII
It was the fifth of February, about thirteen days after the _Roland_
had left Bremen, and twelve after Frederick had boarded the _Roland_
at the Needles in the Channel, when the pilot took the guidance of
the _Hamburg_. Compared with the length of the _Fuerst Bismarck's_
record-making passage, this was an extremely long time. But how
inconceivably brief it seemed to him when he recalled all he had
experienced in that period, both in his waking and sleeping hours. On
the _Hamburg_, he no longer dreamed at night. A mighty blast had swept
his soul clean and denuded it of all images.
Shortly before ten o'clock in the morning of the sixth of February,
Captain Butor, standing back of Ella Liebling, who was sitting under
the telescope merrily kicking her thin legs, spied land. It was a
tremendously stirring moment when the news was carried to the passengers.
The steward that called it into Frederick's cabin and the next instant
disappeared little realised how his brief announcement, "Land!" affected
the stranger. Frederick closed the door, shaken by great, hollow,
toneless sobs coming from the depths of his being.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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