Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
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Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
Such were the questions that occupied my mind as Ezekiel came hurrying
to meet me and we walked upstairs to the same room in which I had talked
with her the night before. For the first moment, too, I was a trifle
dazzled both by the brilliance of its illumination and the clamour of
conversation that greeted our entrance from the large number of persons
whom we found assembled in it. This died down instantly, however, when
our names were announced, and as we stood framed for a moment in the
doorway, nothing could have been more striking than the effect of our
presence upon the actors and actresses huddled before us. I say huddled
because, as so often happens when evil-doers are taken by surprise, they
had unanimously winced and drawn closer together, while at least two of
them had murmured “Help!” Moreover, it was quite clear that some of them
had been drinking, since their wine glasses were still in their hands,
and indeed I was almost certain, to my deep consternation, that Miss
Moonbeam herself had been one of these.[14] Her hands were empty,
however, when she came forward to greet us, and although Ezekiel had
abruptly stiffened, I could not see my way to refuse the manual
courtesy, to which she was evidently looking forward.
Footnote 14:
I am now, alas, convinced of this.
“Oh, Mr. Carp,” she said, “this is indeed sweet of you. I was beginning
to be afraid that you weren’t coming.”
“My dear Miss Moonbeam,” I began.
“Mary,” she said.
“My dear Mary,” I said, “I never break my word.”
“No, no, you wouldn’t,” she said, “and my friends will be so pleased.
Let me introduce you to them. This is Mr. Augustus Carp.”
I bowed to them gravely.
“And you’ve brought your friend,” she said.
“The President of our Union,” I said, “Mr. Ezekiel Stool.”
She held out her hand to him.
“I’m sure we shall be great friends,” she said. But he was still staring
suspiciously at her colleagues.
“They’ve been drinking,” he said. “What have they been drinking?”
“Oh, nothing much,” she said. “Only my health.”
“Your health?” he repeated.
“Yes, it’s my birthday,” she said.
“My dear Miss Mary,” I said. “Let me congratulate you.”
“Yes, yes, yes,” said Ezekiel. “But what’s the fluid?”
He tilted his face a little, sniffing the air.
“Oh, I see,” said Miss Moonbeam. “How stupid of me. Reggie, come forward
and show them your glass.”
She glanced over her shoulder, and a young man, whom I instantly
recognized as the naval officer, then approached us carrying a wine
glass filled with a dark, translucent liquid.
“It’s delightful stuff,” he said. “It is really. Won’t you taste a
little before you begin your sermon?”
But Ezekiel started back, gripping my left elbow, while the hair
covering his face extended itself protectively.
“No, no,” he cried. “Augustus, keep close to me. I don’t like the smell
of it. Ask him what it’s made of.”
I drew myself up a little, facing the naval officer, while Ezekiel clung
to my elbow.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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