Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
GLAD as I was, however, and indeed, as a Xtian gentleman, glad as I was
compelled to be that Mrs. Chrysostom had repented, it was nevertheless a
penitence that in respect of myself was little short of disastrous. And
even now it is with the utmost difficulty that I can look back upon the
weeks that followed. Deprived of my living; already nearing thirty; and
the subject, as I soon found, of the grossest misjudgment—such was my
prostration that for nearly three weeks, I was confined to my bedroom,
if not to my bed. For two or three days, in fact, I doubted if I could
recover, a doubt that was shared by my dear father; while a small
wreath, sent by the Maidstones, was actually delivered at the house.
Whether this was despatched under a misapprehension; whether it was the
symbol of a genuine contrition; or whether it was merely a sop to an
uneasy conscience, will probably never be determined. And I refrained
from acknowledging it until I had come to a decision as to the
possibilities of legal action. After a prolonged interview, however,
with Mr. Balfour Whey, and in view of my poor father’s unhappy
experiences, it was regretfully decided that the British judiciary was
too uncertain to be relied upon; and in a brief sentence, therefore, at
the beginning of a letter, I informed Miss Maidstone of its safe
arrival. The remainder of the letter, of which I still have a copy, was
perhaps the severest exposure of a female character that has ever been
penned, with the possible exception of certain passages in the Book of
Revelation.
Another document, of which I have a copy, and which was also indited by
me, while in bed, was rendered necessary by the widespread local
confusion between acute port-poisoning and ordinary inebriation—a
confusion accentuated, and indeed never wholly dispersed, owing to the
despicable attitude of Mr. Chrysostom. Thanks to the generosity,
however, of my kind friend Simeon Whey, who had not been present at the
meeting, I was enabled to print several hundreds of these for personal
and vicarious distribution, agents being posted, upon the following
Sunday, at the doors of St. Nicholas, Newington Butts, and, during the
ensuing week, at the exits and entrances of all my habitual haunts of
prayer. In so far as I knew their addresses, too, the pamphlet was sent
by post to the members of the _A.D.S.U._ and _S.P.S.D.T._, and to such
other persons as might reasonably have been presumed to have been
present at the Porter Street Drill Hall.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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