Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
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Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
Nor had he been less adequate in dealing with the circumstances that had
arisen, a few months later, in connection with the demises of Mrs. Emily
Smith and the aunt that had stood with my mother’s mother at the foot of
the stairs. Both these ladies, who had been living on Post Office
annuities, had unhappily died after sharing a sausage, strongly
suspected, though never actually proved, of harbouring the bacillus of
botulism. Thanks to my father’s efforts, however, seconded by Mr.
Balfour Whey, the firm by whom the sausage had been manufactured
consented without prejudice to pay a sum of money sufficient to provide
for the ladies’ interment. I have said sufficient, but after my father
had reimbursed himself and paid the expenses of Mr. Whey, he was once
more faced, as in the case of my grandparents, with an acute necessity
for economy. Burying them in a double coffin, however, of his own
design—a design for which he afterwards obtained the patent—he succeeded
not only in keeping the undertaker’s bill within the balance at his
disposal but in providing a surplus with which he afterwards obtained a
small iron slab containing their names and ages. Nor was that all, for
with the pound or two that was over he bought a third-class ticket to
Aberdeen, where he had obtained a situation for Mrs. Emily Smith’s
granddaughter as housemaid in a home for Xtian workers.
After every such exhibition of pristine vigour, however, my father
experienced an acute reaction, and for many weeks would become a martyr
not only to neurasthenic indigestion, but to digestive neurasthenia
accompanied by flatulence of the severest order. For months on end,
indeed, my mother would be obliged to sit by his bedside in case he
should wake up and require abdominal kneading, and few were the nights
upon which she had not in addition to go downstairs and make him some
cocoa. But he would never allow himself to be daunted. His breakfast the
next morning would be as hearty as usual. And he was never deterred by
even the most obstinate inflation from the performance of a moral or
religious duty. Despite his courage, however, he was leaning on me with
ever-increasing emphasis, and I am proud to recall that, in what was so
soon to prove the heaviest ordeal of his life, I was able to render him
very material and indeed essential assistance.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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