Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
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Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
I looked at the clock. It was a quarter past ten. In an hour and
three-quarters the sabbath would be upon us. There was not much time. I
glanced at my father anxiously.
“How far have you got?” I asked.
“About half-way,” he said.
Then he rose to his feet again and crossed to the harmonium.
“Ring for the cocoa,” he said. I sprang to the bell. But just as I
reached it my mother entered, bearing two cups of the sustaining fluid.
Signalling to her to withdraw, he lifted one of the cups and drained its
contents at a single gulp.
“Now, listen,” he said, and in a low but rising voice, he began a
denunciation that I shall never forget.
Impeccable in logic, succinct in argument, perfect in phrasing and
faultlessly delivered, I have never, I think, listened to so moving an
utterance as the initial moiety of my father’s denunciation. Beginning,
as I have said, in a low voice, yet one that was crystal clear in its
penetrating capacity, for the first five minutes or so my father refused
to allow himself the adventitious aid of a single gesture. It was the
gathering of the storm, as it were, the marshalling of the hosts of
heaven, composed but relentless, above the brazen image. Then he paused
for a moment, indicating the aspidistra that stood upon a tripod in the
corner of the room.
“Now, say that’s the bird,” he said, and suddenly like a flash of
lightning, his right index finger was quivering upon the air.
Involuntarily I leapt round and stared at the aspidistra, and then like
the deafening downburst of a tornado, my father expanded his chest,
threw back his head, and opened the full floodgates of his passion.
Pallid and cowering, I crept behind the armchair, while syllable after
syllable rent the night, and the delirious harmonium leapt and crashed
down again beneath the palpitant thunder of his blows. Then almost as
suddenly he stopped.
“That’s as far as I’ve got,” he said.
I crept from my shelter.
“Is there to be much more?” I asked.
“About five minutes’ calm,” he said, “and then the final, culminating
climax.”
He wiped his forehead.
“I’ve got it roughed out,” he said, “if you’d like to hear it before
it’s rounded off.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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